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| He's like Dear Abby only with worse routes! |
Letter 1:
Dear Ryan,
I am a blind person but from everything I've heard, you are a terrible fielder. I figure that if you are in the majors with two working eyes, I could get into the majors too! What advice would you give me for not making a fool of myself. Sincerely, Melvin Keller.
-HI Melvin! I am Ryan Raburn! I got lost in my house trying to find a pen and instead broke a lamp. I suggest you get a dog to help you in the outfield. I also recommend insurance because a face is not used to break a fall; I learned this from experience!
Letter 2:
Dear Rayburn,
How do you still have a job? Wondering in Wheeling.
-Hi Wheeling! I am still employed because of my incredible batting prowess post all star break! I also make a mean souffle and always get skip some smokes and Twinkies on road trips! It also helps to have pictures of our GM burying dead "entertainers" in the Upper Peninsula. Would you rather have my robust .200 average or some dork who thinks he's Harry Potter? I know my vote!
Letter 3:
Dear Ryan,
How did you get picked off at third tonight? Really, how? Can you not run in a straight line? From Infuriated in Indiana.
-Hi Indiana! I would be much obliged if you did not make fun of my crippling illness. Straight lines scare me, like baseballs and making contact with baseballs. I have a rare condition known as "cantdoanythingrightitis". Only me and some guy named Chone Figgins have this debilitating disease. Would you like some literature? I have some in my bitching van with Don Kelly painted on the side!
...thanks, Ryan? Whatever. Tigers probably lose this game. Be back tomorrow for a real crappy recap!
Dear Rayburn,
How do you still have a job? Wondering in Wheeling.
-Hi Wheeling! I am still employed because of my incredible batting prowess post all star break! I also make a mean souffle and always get skip some smokes and Twinkies on road trips! It also helps to have pictures of our GM burying dead "entertainers" in the Upper Peninsula. Would you rather have my robust .200 average or some dork who thinks he's Harry Potter? I know my vote!
Letter 3:
Dear Ryan,
How did you get picked off at third tonight? Really, how? Can you not run in a straight line? From Infuriated in Indiana.
-Hi Indiana! I would be much obliged if you did not make fun of my crippling illness. Straight lines scare me, like baseballs and making contact with baseballs. I have a rare condition known as "cantdoanythingrightitis". Only me and some guy named Chone Figgins have this debilitating disease. Would you like some literature? I have some in my bitching van with Don Kelly painted on the side!
...thanks, Ryan? Whatever. Tigers probably lose this game. Be back tomorrow for a real crappy recap!
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