Painted Whores and Striped Jungle Cats Battle to Discovery Who Wants to Win Least!

Don Kelly - ERROR WIZARD, was quite busy tonight.

Tonight, in the Motor City, the AL Central rivalry between the Twins and Tigers continued unabated. The Tigers were down 3-0 early after Ryan "Reliant K" Raburn decided fielding just wasn't his bag. The Tigers battled back scoring 6 runs and taking a 6-3 lead.

Max "Ahhhhh! Savior of the Universe" Scherzer was less Flash Gordon and more Flesh Gordon because he was getting pounded all night long. After a wild pitch from Max scored run #5 for the Twinks, Max decided that giving up a home run to Justin "Albino Canadian Kodiak Bear" Morneau was a good thing.

I wanted to use another picture so I added this one too!

With the Tigers down 7-6 something weird happened. The Cats fought back and managed to score 2 more runs. The bullpen of Furbush, Albuquerque and Benoit did not produce vomitous results. A victory was had and Don Kelly showed up in the 9th as a defensive replacement!

The typical Tiger baseball viewing position.

Of course this game was marred by some bad play by the Twins and a few gaffes by the Tigers. Kelly was busy most of the night going back to his ERROR WIZARD ways. A win is a win, no matter how ugly and boy, this one was ugly!

The Tigers have now won the last 8 games against the Twins. Suck on that, Painted Whores!

The St. Paul Painted Whores Come to Town (Get Your Shots!)

This is what it feels like to be a Detroit Tigers' fan.

Today the Tigers face off against those pesky Twins. The Twins are known for soft hits, things going their way and playing awful baseball in 2K11.

The Tigers are known for not scoring runs past the 1st inning, an awful bullpen and using black magicks (more serious with a k).

ENTER THE DIVE WIZARD!

In today's game, after the Tigers took a 3 - 0 lead, the Twins scrappied back to take a 5 -3 lead. Then Victor Martinez remembered he is, indeed, allowed to hit home runs in Comerica Park. Game tied 5-5!

After that the Tigers loaded the bases and decided that scoring was a little too gauche for a host club to do and let the St. Paul hookers local 617 off the ledge.

However, fate decided not to let the Twins have their way with it again and, in a controversial play, Alex Avila doubled home Jhonny Peralta on what looked like fan interference. Thanks, baseball randomness.

Of course, all of this was just a warm up to the play of the game. Don Kelly - DIVE WIZARD, elects to make his presence felt yet again with a very capable diving catch in the 9th inning for the last out. Kelly just doesn't want me to stop making poor MSPaint pictures, that bastard!

Detroit contra Boston - Evil Hosiery Finally Get Their Come Uppance

Don Kelly - CALLED SHOT WIZARD enters baseball's mythical panthenon.

Justin Verlander stepped onto the mound this evening with the Tigers having humiliated themselves against this Red Sox team all season. So what does Justin "Miracle World" Verlander do? He pitches 7.2 innings of shut out baseball.

Verlander, working with a 2-0 lead, threw 7038 pitches while sterilizing Kevin Douchinski, to the relief of the entire world. Yet, there was a more important story to this game. Don Kelly - UPSTAGING WIZARD, went up to the plate with a runner on second and one out in the bottom of the 8th. Kelly stared down the nameless Red Sox sludge abomination and pointed to a spot just beyond the infield dirt; he was calling his shot!

After making such a bold declaration, Kelly sort of made some contact and delivered a single! Miguel scored and the Tigers took a 3-0 lead. Then they won the game! Coincidence? Not likely!

The Tigers are once again .500, so that's something!

Game One: Don Kelly - BRAVERY WIZARD vs. Bloated Two Headed Ugly-Face (Ortiz).

Instead of watching game one of the split double header I chose to sleep. Reading the box score tells me Jose "Mashed Tater" Valverde took the loss. However, since I did not see this game I chose to interpret the grueling and exciting battle between a typical Bad Sox player (aka horrible monster that should be neutered and launched into the sun) and Don Kelly - DIFFERENT WIZARD E'ERYDAY WIZARD.

I think I needed to add more lightning bolts; and by more I mean some.

Detroit vs. Boston aka Noble (but boring) Heroes against Vile, Putrid Jerkfaces.

Tonight, instead of playing baseball (well, more accurately, instead of watching baseball being played on the bench), Don Kelly - SELFISH WIZARD, decided to cause yet another Tigers' game to be postponed.

The reason? He had plans tonight to go to a late showing of Kung-Fu Panda 2. I have it on good authority that Don Kelly - PARTY WIZARD, also has plans for tomorrow: a Roller Pizza Party. I doubt either ball game gets played due to the abuse of wizard powers.

A Secondary Introduction

Hello, my name is David.

This is where I will, very rarely, write about my favorite baseball club: the Detroit Tigers. I became a fan of the Tigers thanks to seeing Alan Trammell and Lou Whitaker on television. The year was 1983. In 1984 the Tigers went on to win a World Series and my fanaticism was rewarded.

Of course, the Tigers went on to have the worst record in the 1990s and in 2003 had one of the worst seasons in Major League Baseball history. So, yeah, good choice!

I tend to be sarcastic, smarmy and dead set in my ways. I tend to go with opinion when writing because I am too lazy to look up all the numbers. While I understand the concepts, logic and usage of sabermetrics, I am a sideline advanced metrics user - meaning I have trouble using them to explain just why they are important.

Instead, I will fill this page with some humor; bad MSPain abominations; and occasional long lists using semi-colons in a way that I find infuriating but found out is somewhat permissible.

Welcome... and if you are here for rich insight, you need help.

2011 - The Year We Bored People

As a fan I am frustrated. Watching this Tiger team, a team with a few bright spots and long pointed out problems, flail around is driving me to something worse than anger. This Tigers team is driving me to apathy.

The bright spots just do not do as much for me when everything else seems to go on cruise control. If the Tigers fall behind, as they are wont to do, they often cannot mount a comeback. Scoring beyond the first three innings? That's just not in the cards more often than not for this team.

With a shaky bullpen, a line up consisting of 4 people hitting at any one time and minor league system filled with 10,000 blah relievers, what spark is there to ignite the fanbase? How long will the joy of seeing Miguel Cabrera and Justin Verlander in their primes turn to meloncholly because of that sinking feeling you get when you know something special is being wasted?

This is a team I want to love. This is not a team that I want to fall into a cold, resigned doldrum with during the short summer evenings. Worry has given way to indifference.

I am not a fair weather fanatic. My fanaticism endured the hundred loss seasons between 1989 and 2003. My fanaticism endured watching those ever so annoying Twins. My fanaticism has seen highs and lows with this team. What will kill it off? A team that is neither interesting nor compelling.

And that, I fear, is what the 2011 Detroit Tigers could be.