Off Days Aren't Supposed to Be Tumultuous!

RWAR! Baseball well drawn and crappily drawn hearts with equal glee!

May 3rd could be the last day in Mariano Rivera's storied career. Those that have talked with me know I think closers are unnecessary and, quite frankly, your best reliever should be pitching in your highest leverage situation and not with 0 on in the 9th inning of a game. There are always exceptions to situations and Mariano Rivera is... was, that exception. 

Rivera's cut fastball is devastatingly effective and since he threw it almost exclusively, probably the greatest pitch in baseball history. Well, he just tore his ACL and was considering retirement already. Considering how awful of a knee injury a torn ACL is and his age, Rivera is most likely done forever. Despite hating the New York Yankees, their fan base, the media investment in anything New York, Nick Swisher, the ludicrously short porch in right and anything to do with Jeter, Rivera was ok (if he wasn't shutting the door on your team).

The last active 42 is gone, for 2012 and perhaps ever. Mark Texiera's quote sums up how I feel about baseball: “I told you this game is cruel before the game". Magglio Ordonez knows what it is like to leave on an injury, to relate this to the Tigers. Some struggle through the pain of trying to get near their pre-injury levels, gnashing their teeth and clawing to come close to competing in the apex of their field. All the while whispers of "will they make it" or "what might have been" slip through the lips of everyone - questions that have escaped the minds of those who watch and wonder.

Players do not get to choose when their playing days are over - either management or their bodies make that decision. Baseball is a game centered around failure, centered around waiting and centered around hope. The game of baseball is cruel, teasing you in the spring with promises of blue skied springs, lazy summer days and golden trophies in early fall. Most years the skies are overcast or blistering but bearable because of The Game. When the ticklish fingers of Fall begin to chill our Game leaves. Sometimes I wonder why I put myself through this, year after year. Why do I love The Game so much? Why do I willingly expose myself to an irrational hurt? When my team wins I feel good for a few moments but would not doing some exercise or self improvement provide a more lasting high? 

Why do I do it? Because I have a memory and The Game has a memory. Mariano Rivera, the man, may have been felled but Mariano Rivera the Closer - he will never be touched. The Closer will remain a folk tale that will live on longer than you or I. Just like Magglio Ordonez's home run in Game 4 of the ALDS, the performance of "The Hackman" for the Giants in the NLCS, like Buck Leonard and Bob Gibson.

All things end but sometimes that ending is just a beginning.

From Vomit to Pyrrhic Triumph!

THIS IS ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT THIS GAME! DON KELLY PITCHED! WOW!

Strutting on the Ritz!

This is what it's like, when Coke cries.

What does Phil Coke gotta do to win a game? Nothing! He's pitched decently more often than not but those terrible, oft striking bats don't like him. They give him No Run Support and those darned Cats with Bats are more like noruns4lyfe rather than Detroit4Lyfe. Sometimes, though, the Roar of the Tigers cannot be stopped and the Tigers can find a way to win 2 to 1 on a walk off extra base hit from Ramon Santiago. Bless You Boys, as Ackerman would say sarcastically.

Coke deserved a win but Joaquin on Sunshine (sunshine is code for crack) decided that was too good of a decision for Phil and sabotaged poor Cokey. Ramon "DAN'JUSS" Santiago said: no, we ain't losing just because our weird 8th inning dude screwed up! I gots you all!

He's a bad mamma jamma!

You don't mess with the Ramon, dig? The R-O-D provides another victory. 11-5, muchachos. Believe, mother hubbards! Still tied for first and them Naughty Logos is coming to town. Dig it!

Split? What Do You Mean Split?

Pirates are just Mariners with more jewelry and scurvy.

With Felix El Rey on the hill, the Tigers had little room for error. At one point, behind a strong performance by Rick Porcello, the Tigers lead 2-0. Then bad things happened. The Mariners hit home runs. One was off Porcello (solo; Olivo), then one off Benoit (2-run; Olivo) and a final one off Wilk (2-run; Smoak).

7-3 is the final score. I blame the schools and an international Soviet conspiracy. I also blame Ryan Raburn just because he's my Tiger punching bag. Bad Raburn, bad! Really, how do you give up two home runs to Miguel Olivo? Did he threaten to beat you guys up after the game if you didn't? It is okay to tell me, you don't have to live in fear any more!

You'd think they'd get stuck on that sharp bottom.

On the bright side: no more games against the Mariners, who are dangerous thanks to their starting pitching. On the downside: no more games against the Mariners since I can see the M's vs. Tigers on ROOT Sports, which does a fine job of baseball broadcasting.

Oh Joba...

Joba in happier times. (Drawn on 1/10000th scale)

Looks like the Wonderful World of Joba Eats Anything CC Has Leftover in His Jowels is over. Alas, Joba, we hardly knew ye. Please don't eat New Jersey in your grief spiral... wait, on second thought, eat New Jersey and Massachusetts!

ENTER THE ERRANT TOSS WIZARD!

Don Kelly - ERRANT TOSS WIZARD showing off his skillz.

What else can I say but: FIRE EVERYONE! THIS LOSS IS UNACCEPTABLE AND YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELVES! RWAR! TRADE PHIL COKE FOR ALBERT PUJOLS AND DRIVING LESSONS FROM TONY LARUSSA! TRADE CALE IORG FOR DAVID WRIGHT AND JOSE REYES! COKE TO THE BULLPEN! RABBLE, RABBLE, RABBLE!

...er excuse me; I caught a case of the stupids right there. Phil Coke paid the price for errors, notably: Don Kelly, ERRANT TOSS WIZARD, and his 2 run error in a 4 run inning. 

Enrique Gonzalez, ladies and gents!

Then Enrique "White Flag II" Gonzalez came in and didn't stink as badly as Brad Thomas's right handed Latino doppelganger usually does. The Tigers made it interesting in the 9th with a few more runs but fall to Tejas 7-3. Oh, and Ryan Raburn managed a pinch hit strike out. Consistency!

I would be remiss if I did not remember to award The R-O-D's most coveted (read: only) award: The Blue Plate Special, which is awarded to Excellence in the Field of Excrement. Tonight's award was a close one, with 1 time BPS winner, Ryan Raburn, striking his way out after our second nominee, Don Kelly - AWARD NOMINEE WIZARD, made his strong case in the 3rd and winner is...

The R-O-D BPS!

DON KELLY - BPS EXCELLENCE IN THE FIELD OF EXCREMENT AWARD WINNING WIZARD! Thank you, Don, for helping Phil Coke lose this game! Until next time you cantankerous kitties! Oh, and the score has been corrected. I suddenly thought Detroit scored a 4th run, silly me!

Almost Late Night Update!

You lucky duckies up late get a first hand glimpse of what the ROD does when it is late at night and the ROD does not feel like playing video games.

Behold: the Wanker!

Making Tigers fans hate Australia since he threw up and called it baseball.

While "tosser" may seem to be a better nickname for the horribleness that is Brad Thomas, let's be honest - Thomas is a wanker. He's awful and pretty much signals a white flag whenever he comes into a game. You throw Brad Thomas on the mound when you no longer care about life or winning or watching anything resembling baseball. Heck, Brad Thomas is the Tigers way of saying: turn the TV and go do something with your life. I say: fire Brad Thomas... out of a cannon... into the sun! Seriously, Brad Thomas is awful.

I hate that Brad Thomas generally pitches poorly and a passable to just above mediocre performance is considered good for him. Screw that noise! I want the Tigers to succeed and I do not believe they can with Brad Thomas on their staff. Thankfully Thomas is currently on the disabled list. Either way, he's a wanker on the mound!

Worst Sox Take Advantage of Struggling Young Hot Hen Who Has Never Felt the Touch of a Strike Zone

Confession: I have never watched all of the "Graduate".

 Tonight the Tigers sent young starting pitcher Andy "Hot Hen" Oliver to the mound against the Chicago Worst Sox. Of course Oliver, being a young man with relatively little experience with major league strike zones, showed signs of being nervous.

Andy just doesn't have the wherewithal to handle such hot, hot, hot K-Zone action. In fact, Andy was so flummoxed he ran away from the inviting, enticing, erotic strike zone and into the arms of the nasty, boorish walk zone.

Andy also forgot you can have a force out at home and combined with a 3 run home run he gave up, he had the Tigers down 4-0. Mercifully Andy was removed for another kid but one who has been around the block a few times. Chuck Furbush was born under a bad sign. Furry never had nothing given to him and was a street wise punk beyond his years. Though he gave up a home run, Furbush didn't act like this was his sweet, innocent prom date. Furry went after that strike zone like someone who goes after things or something, I dunno, but he did his job.

The Tigers closed within 1 run then Juan Pierre hit a home run (3rd of his career) off of Enrique "Bradrique Thomasez" Gonzalez. Tigers lose 6-4. The Tigers also attempted 2 horrible stolen bases and Ryan Raburn almost looked like a bench player! So far this series is off to a bad start and the ROD falls to 4-2 on the season (screw you Hot Hen)!

For reading all of this, you can have an AJ toilet monster:

RWAR~! Me eat poo and act like colostomy bag in more ways than one!

St. Paul Painted Whores Are Swept Off Their Dainty Feet!

More like Alaskan A-HBP-SIN! Right? Right?

Tonight our heroes, the Detroit Tigers, faced off against their rival, the villainous Painted Whores of St. Paul (or the Twins of Minnesota if you want to get technical).

Miguel Cabrera and Alex Avila combined to deliver the Striped Saviors 4 runs while Rick Porcello's only mistake was a 2 run home run to some guy weighing about 87 pounds who is primed for the Hall of Kind of OK.

The bigger story, besides the absence of anything pertaining to Don Kelly in this update, was the amazing outing by Daniel Schlereth. Danny fancies himself as the Alaska Assassin. The only thing he assassinated was anyone ever taking that nickname seriously. Schlereth faced one batter and hit the guy, on one pitch! That's right: 1 pitch, 1 hit by pitch.

The Alaskan A-HBP-SIN has a line score of 1 pitch, 1 HBP. Schlereth did not even have the decency to make his gaffe dramatic. Boo I say, boo! However, the Tigers did manage to turn turds into gold and win the game 4-2.

Let's get to the super important stuff: awards! For your performance in the excellent field of excrement, I give you, the Alaska A-HBP-SIN the R.O.D, Blue Plate Special!

Yes, it is poop on a baseball on a plate that isn't entirely blue on a checkerboard tablecloth.

Congratulations on being the inaugural ROD BPS award winner! Ryan Raburn is green with envy. He also committed 87 errors as I typed this message and started only 1 more game at second after being named starting second baseman.

The bottom line:
What does this mean? Well, our beloved felines did not gain any ground against the Cleveland Naughty Logos but they did up their current win streak against the Painted Whores to 9 games in a row. Most importantly: the Tigers are now 4-1 since the Ray Oyler Divide went live! You're welcome!

Painted Whores and Striped Jungle Cats Battle to Discovery Who Wants to Win Least!

Don Kelly - ERROR WIZARD, was quite busy tonight.

Tonight, in the Motor City, the AL Central rivalry between the Twins and Tigers continued unabated. The Tigers were down 3-0 early after Ryan "Reliant K" Raburn decided fielding just wasn't his bag. The Tigers battled back scoring 6 runs and taking a 6-3 lead.

Max "Ahhhhh! Savior of the Universe" Scherzer was less Flash Gordon and more Flesh Gordon because he was getting pounded all night long. After a wild pitch from Max scored run #5 for the Twinks, Max decided that giving up a home run to Justin "Albino Canadian Kodiak Bear" Morneau was a good thing.

I wanted to use another picture so I added this one too!

With the Tigers down 7-6 something weird happened. The Cats fought back and managed to score 2 more runs. The bullpen of Furbush, Albuquerque and Benoit did not produce vomitous results. A victory was had and Don Kelly showed up in the 9th as a defensive replacement!

The typical Tiger baseball viewing position.

Of course this game was marred by some bad play by the Twins and a few gaffes by the Tigers. Kelly was busy most of the night going back to his ERROR WIZARD ways. A win is a win, no matter how ugly and boy, this one was ugly!

The Tigers have now won the last 8 games against the Twins. Suck on that, Painted Whores!

2011 - The Year We Bored People

As a fan I am frustrated. Watching this Tiger team, a team with a few bright spots and long pointed out problems, flail around is driving me to something worse than anger. This Tigers team is driving me to apathy.

The bright spots just do not do as much for me when everything else seems to go on cruise control. If the Tigers fall behind, as they are wont to do, they often cannot mount a comeback. Scoring beyond the first three innings? That's just not in the cards more often than not for this team.

With a shaky bullpen, a line up consisting of 4 people hitting at any one time and minor league system filled with 10,000 blah relievers, what spark is there to ignite the fanbase? How long will the joy of seeing Miguel Cabrera and Justin Verlander in their primes turn to meloncholly because of that sinking feeling you get when you know something special is being wasted?

This is a team I want to love. This is not a team that I want to fall into a cold, resigned doldrum with during the short summer evenings. Worry has given way to indifference.

I am not a fair weather fanatic. My fanaticism endured the hundred loss seasons between 1989 and 2003. My fanaticism endured watching those ever so annoying Twins. My fanaticism has seen highs and lows with this team. What will kill it off? A team that is neither interesting nor compelling.

And that, I fear, is what the 2011 Detroit Tigers could be.