EVIL DPS!

These guys are from the bad side of town.

Thanks a ton, Tigers. All them DPs and all them ways to not score. Thanks guys!

A Little Love Can Make the Hardest Things Go Smoothly

Enter the Fist! aka In Fist We Trust! aka FISTING FOR VICTOLY!

Doug Fister is a sentimental favorite of mine from the Seattle Mariners. When I heard that the Tigers had acquired Fister, I was very excited. First off, his last name is Fister! Secondly, Fister works very hard and eats innings. Third: Fister just seems like a necessary cog every winning team needs (workhorse, solid back end of the rotation fella).

The problem with Fister is he rarely had any runs scored for him (I believe somewhere in the range of 2.5 runs a game). Well, fear not, dear Fister! The roaring Tigers army has brought its bats to your party. Fister served in 7 innings and gave Detroit's iffy bullpen some help. How did Doug Fister do this? I have secret inside information on the creature that helped Fister come to Detroit! 

The New GM of the Detroit Tigers!

Clippy is now Doug Fister's bestest friend and Clippy is now 2 for 2 in the advice column!

Painted Whores Die Again!

Do not respect this logo, HATE IT!

I hate the Twins. HATE THEM! They lost and the Painted Whores need to rot. I think I got their logo colors wrong but who gives a flying rip? HATE! LOSE AND DIE! 10 in a row, bitches!

Purcey and the Magical Testicle Tree!

Dude, I think you need to see a doctor about all your balls!

One day, David Purcey wanted to get himself some testicles. "My word," said David, "I would love to have some balls!". A mischievous little wish granting creature appeared out of nowhere, looking sort of like a rat with wings, or Nick Punto, those things are interchangible. Anyhow, Purcey got his balls but ended up spilling them everywhere tonight against the Oakland A's. What the hell, dude? 12 balls and 4 strikes? That's awful. That wish thing should have choked you to death for being bad at baseball. We traded a middling midfielder for this garbage? Ah well, I bet he has a good club house personality.

Thanks to Purcey the Tigers ended up losing. Screw you! Also, the Tigers traded for a Kansas City Betemit and Inge was DFA'd. Ta-da!

Now looking to kiss Detroit good-bye!

Tigers Win, Oakland Loses and DANCING!

Dancing machines!

So Victor Martinez, Miguel Cabrera and Carlos Guillen, aka the members of the new Venezuelan Mafia, elected to do something today as the Tigers trounced a tepid Oakland baseball team. The story of the evening was Victory Martinez's dancing feet. Well done, Victor, well done. Also: Ryan Raburn has the sads because he is finally on the bench. If only Brandon "KISSING BANDIT" Inge would go away.

Hi Kids! Do You Like Losing

0 No!

The Tigers were shut out and Hawk didn't cram it. Seriously, the second half swan song is greatly exaggerated but, Tigers, you don't make it easy to love you. Don't make me watch the M's!

Boo This Man!

Hawk? More like Suwk.

Tigers lose to the giant piles of crap that play in a tiny little breadbox. I hate the All Star Game.

At the Tone Prepare to Hochevar!

I wonder what I ate that is both olive and regular green with orange bits.

Tonight I probably won't see what the score was but I hate losing to KC. Win, damn it, win!

We're On a Mission from uh, Some Guy

Don Kelly - XING WIZARD redux!

Tigers win, Naughty Logos lose. Looks like we have a Forrest Dirks for lead off sighting on the radar. My work schedule precludes me from watching games so I just have to go on what I read. So far, I like where this is all going! Half a game behind the vile Clevelanders.

By Your Powers Combined...

Who would have thought this would happen?

Today was a wondrous day. Both Don Kelly, ADEQUATE BASEBALL WIZARD and Ryan "Sad Sack" Raburn contributed to a Tigers victory. Phil Coke was good out of the bullpen, Max - AAAAAAAH AAAAAAAH , Savior of the Universe appeared. Overall, nothing else could be asked for from these Tigers. The Naughty Logos still managed to win but as we have seen, they aren't a sure thing.

I can't believe I had the chance to draw this!

Get On Board the Wonder Bus

Mac Tonight approves!

When the Tigers are down and all their fans begin to frown a hero is found. A man named Miguel, whom baseball people say - that man can play baseball very well.

On this night, the 6th of July, did Miguel hit a ball that did fly. Fly far into the California night,ending the Tigers plight of being far behind, and win the Tigers did in kind.

Oh Wonder Bus, what is all the fuss? I hear naysayers shout. What is this nickname all about? I say look to the score - Detroit 5, Anaheim 4.

Umpires at the Apollo

BOO THESE MEN!

So, once again, piles of filth like Joe West and Angel Hernandez decide to make a baseball game about them, ignoring rules and common sense just to act like petulant children. Well, I hate you two. I hope MLB finally starts to fire and/or sanction bulbous sores on its ass like you two sooner rather than later. Hernandez is terrible and Joe West is his ass pimple amigo.

These two must be put out to pasture. Yet, the Tigers main fault was their inability to actually hit (yet again). That's 2 runs in 18 innings. Stop blowing.

I Want to Fire the Bullpen Out of a Cannon.

Stop sucking.

Afternoon Delight

The Tigers beat the Dodgers in an afternoon game that maybe 30 people saw. That's 89 more people than the total attendance for the Tampa Bay Rays in the month of June! The Tigers get the old star and trident Mariners' logo for their efforts! Good job (see me after class because you've stunk most of the time).

The M's should go back to this logo.

The Devil, You Say?

Also the title to the little known sequel to Peyton Place!

Detroit is blowing at interleague play. If that isn't a reason to end this idiotic practice, well, then you are a poop head. I hate interleague play. I don't care about National League teams. Screw those guys and their uh, National Leagueness.

PS: Let's burn down The Windmill.

I Don't Even Know

Really, can someone tell me what the hell happened?

Holy crap! Utter pathetic performance gang poop deck destroyer. No, this doesn't deserve a recap. Screw you guys!

A Magical Finish!

Don Kelly - FIRST PLACE WIZARD, has climbed the poop mountain!

As the Ho-Down in Tiger Town comes to a close, let us remember that Don Kelly - FIRST PLACE WIZARD and The R-O-D are 13-6. I didn't watch this game but I figure our WIZARD cast some spells and was almost scrappy. I also imagine Cleveland having large, open sores and radioactive breath.

Terrible, terrible Clevelanditis. I believe it is like gingivitis only it affects the butt. Tigers win 6-2 and are back to sole possession of first. YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Don Kelly - YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH WIZARD!

Ahoy, Matey! Marineros Visit Land!

Justin Verlander shut down the the Seatown Marineros, just in time for me to miss most of the game! Seattle is hovering just above .500 while the Tigers are the hottest team in baseball (for some, in more ways than one).

What's the most important thing about this game? Don Kelly - RBI WIZARD! It is the R-O-D and Don Kelly is our spirit wizard.  I will watch the replay of this game on ROOT Sports - for all your plant based sports needs!

Don Kelly - RBI WIZARD is fierce even if his magic bat shoots pink dust.

The Tigers are 9-3 since The R-O-D came to be; BELIEVE!

Game One: Don Kelly - BRAVERY WIZARD vs. Bloated Two Headed Ugly-Face (Ortiz).

Instead of watching game one of the split double header I chose to sleep. Reading the box score tells me Jose "Mashed Tater" Valverde took the loss. However, since I did not see this game I chose to interpret the grueling and exciting battle between a typical Bad Sox player (aka horrible monster that should be neutered and launched into the sun) and Don Kelly - DIFFERENT WIZARD E'ERYDAY WIZARD.

I think I needed to add more lightning bolts; and by more I mean some.