Whelp, That Series Was Awful.

Rare first edition rookie card of the newest R-O-D sensation - Street Pizza!

The Tigers dropped the 4 game to the Rangers via a horrible call by an umpire. Rather than dwell on this terrible tun of events I am going to show off a rare collector's card of the hottest free agent ever - Street Pizza, dead cat LF extraordinaire!

I expect the Tigers to try to bid for Street Pizza's services but they'd better back up the Brinks if they want this amazing talent!

A Very Special Episode of The R-O-D

God, it's me, Ryan... God, stop screening my calls... God, stop having dogs pee on me too.

I'm afraid it is that time of year again - when the bats begin to roar to life and the crisp baseballs dance out of said bats' way. The circle of baseball life, if you will.

However, one precocious little 2B... er LF... er baseball player named Ryan Raburn has battled his way to a .073 batting average at the end of regulation play on April 21st, 2012. Let that sink in - Raburn battled to get to .073. His 3 hits in the month of April makes the looming usual Raburn cannot hit to save anyone's life downturn in May all the more ominous. Is there anything that can be done? Is Ryan Raburn a lost cause? Should The Ray Oyler Divide pick a new mascot/whipping boy?

The answers are: Ryan starts very slow, nothing really can be done, Raburn is a fully developed player at this point and expecting any miracle of being a even a quasi starter isn't all that wise, and heck no!

Too bad Street Pizza's agent was such a hard ass.

While I have only seen a few games of the 2012 campaign I can deduce from absolutely nothing (except not being a regular poster at a certain Tigers fan spot that is awful and the butt of a joke) that Raburn will probably show just why the Tigers have stuck with him near the end of May. Raburn is notorious for starting slow and it is frustrating because Raburn can actually hit the ball. Fielding? No, not in a million years. Raburn is a defensive upgrade from Delmon Young in left field but, then again, a dead cat is a defensive upgrade in left field over Delmon Young.

All I am saying is that there really is not much the Tigers can do right now with Raburn. Designating him for assignment means someone else picks him up, and believe me, Raburn's bat is alluring to teams that have putrid offenses (all defensive liabilities aside). Trading Raburn will not bring anything (and why would you trade someone who plays the position you are weak at to upgrade the position you are weak at?) and there are really few better options at 2B or LF (Delmon's bat or Inge's glove and Inge's glove is about as fantastic as Inge's bat at this point in his career).

Overall, there is nothing the Tigers can really do without sacrificing one of their few pieces that are decent in the minor leagues so sit back and image being able to splice Cale Iorg's defense with Raburn's bat... oh man, that'd be fantastic!

COMING ATTRACTIONS

My ambition is only outweighed by my sloth.

Dear R-O-D reader(s),

I have not forgotten you in this cold, cold off season! Despite the lull of football and basketball shenanigans and actually interesting hockey, The R-O-D remembers you, its fan(s).

I will sloppily try to bring back a few classic crappy sports ideas I have been known for on the interwebs. In addition, I am considering trying to crappily illustrate and write an awful book... like the mock up title page above. 

The projects have already been mentioned but...

1. Mocking College Football

2. NBA Pixies and Prisons (not to be confused with another type of game)

3. R-O-D Mysteries - 4 KYDZ

4. The National Basketball Association 2 - Live Big or Ball Harder with a Vengeance 

5. The Oriole Bird Devoured Soul of the Week
6. Potpurri

I'd expect updates on Tuesday, late Pacific (and maybe Sundays).

Interactive Fan-stravaganza!

The R-O-D's favorite second left field baserman is ready to answer your burning off-season questions!

As ROSTERBATIONAGOGO - Turbo Fapmatic Edition for Fapping Service continues unabated (or something bated) the R-O-D feels it is time to take matters into its own hands (I swear I chose that phrase on accident). 

So... ASK RYAN REAL MAILBAG 2011 has arrived. Ask us questions about the roster or rosters or roasted chicken or the Antiques Roadshow or Dusty Rhodes, rocky roads, Rocky and a plethora of other topics! It'll fight the endless "HERE'S WHAT WE NEED TO DO TO WIN SIGN MAJOR FREE AGENTS AND TRADE OUR CRAPPY DUDES FOR AWESOME DUDES SUPER LINE UP POST"... no it won't but it'll be entertaining (no it won't).

The ENEMY!

I hear there are drive thru liquor and ammo stores so maybe there's something to this Texas!

Look upon the state that revolted so they could have slaves and despair! I will admit, though, that some fine ladies do come from Texas. I do have a soft spot for the SMU Mustangs but I dislike Oklahoma's conjoined twin. I kind of want the World Series to be cancelled due to meteor strikes and Space Syphilis!

The DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM That Came to Detroit in the 8th Inning of Tonight's ALDS Game 4.

Hello and welcome to PANIC! TIME! Your hosts for this evening are Ryan Raburn (MIA) and Don Kelly - ANNOYED AT BLOW OUT WIZARD!

Hello faithful R-O-D fans! Tonight, as a special treat, we have a segment of our most favorite never before seen R-O-D segment! Wait... that doesn't make sense. Oh hell, here are R-O-D mascots Ryan Raburn (Missing in Action) and Don "Wizard" Kelly.

RR: Thanks mysterious Ray Oyler Divide guy. Shucks, tonight we sure did lose. I mean, from what I gathered from the TBS announcers, the Tigers lost all 5 games of the American League Division Series off a Robinson Cano 87 run home run in the only inning played.

DKWWHMA: Where did all these other letters come from, Ryan? I did not summon them!

RR: Uh... I dunno. Did you see Robinson Cano is the only active player in the Hall of Fame... twice!

DKWWICWTLCM: Seriously, where are all these extra letters come from? These acronyms don't even make sense. This is like I'm in Tweenage Idiot Fake Acronym Chat!

RR: TIFAC?! I love that place!

DKWIOIWRR: No wonder Leyland doesn't play you!

RR: Let's take some questions! YANQUISRULEOK asks: OMG why is TBS so anti-Yankee! There was, like, minutes where they didn't comment on JETER's LEADERSHIP AND CANO'S SEXY GLUTES AND A-ROD'S LOVE OF THE GRAPE STUFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DKWWAI: Dee Kay Why? Are you insinuating I am Donna Karen New York? Really, I hate this whole situation! Anyhow, before Ryan can answer, let me just say: the Yankees are a good team with a fantastic line up that just happens to get lip service from the largest media market in the world, single city that is, and of course you may hate that sometimes the announcers aren't servicing your Yankee needs. Might I suggest closing your eyes and imaging things that would make people with souls cry? Like Jeter-Rodriguez sleep overs?

RR: Our next question comes from ANGRYUPDWELLER. Angry asks: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR! ME HATE SCORE! I RUN A BLOG AND AM TOO NICE TO BE MEAN! I HAVE A DOG!

DKWWIONA: Really? Seriously? That's the best you have? C'mon, at least make fun of the fact the guy is, what, 4'3"?

RR: What guy? Our last question comes Worried Tigers Fan. Worried inquires: Did we just lose the series?

DKWWATAAWWASLOHWMC: Don Kelly, Wizard with answers and a Wizard with a secret love of Hanging with Mister Cooper? Oh that's it!

RR: It appears Don Kelly - WIZARD with Anger Management Problems has left so I get to answer! Yay!

- Sorry, we're out of time Ryan!

RR: NOooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

- Okay, fine, stop crying and let go of my ankle. I'm afraid Mayitis is contagious.

RR: Hooray! Okay, Tigers fans, look - sometimes you win series and sometimes you lose them. You must put things in perspective. A loss is going to hurt but you know what, that's baseball. Just root with all your heart and know that your team will be back next year. There are always new chances. Also know that we have not lost anything yet. The series is tied 2-2 and we have a great chance at winning. Are the Yankees formidable? Yes. Are they snappy dressers? Yes. But so are the Tigers. The Tigers are a storied franchise with heart, soul and the best home uniforms in MLB. We have viable MVP canidates and a guy named Fister. We have a chance! Let's root for those Tigers and know that, no matter what, they tried their best!

- Man, you're a weenie...

RR: HEY!!

- And this concludes the first OH NO PANIC! TIME!

JOYEUX MONTHIVERSARY

Now celebrating 30 days of crap!

Loyal R-O-D reader(s), thank you for making the Ray Oyler Divide the #18 baseball blog in Estonia! While Latvia is our stomping grounds, it is good to know other former Eastern Bloc nations are loving our style! Thanks!

Off Day Procrastination: ASK RYAN - The New Class!

OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Hi kids! It's me, your pal Ryan Raburn! I am not playing baseball so I decided to answer more of your questions! People sure are mean to me. I mean, I may not be the best baseball player in the world, but golly gee-willickers, I'm a major league baseball player! I hit a grand slam the other day and nearly didn't get picked off at third base. Like I always say: teach a man to walk in a straight line, make him somewhat capable. But lead a man off third by about a mile and that man will never be forgotten! Let's answer some questions.

Hey, Reighbourne! Why do you have my picture on your van? Don Kelly - MAILBAG WIZARD!

Hi Don! Wizards are supposed to be on the sides of vans, duh! Except those Hairy Pothead guys. Pot is bad! You know what else is bad? People who boo me after I strike out! I only tried it once with Bobby Higginson when it was Bum Night in Comerica. I said I was sorry!

Dear Ryan,

I hate you. Please change your last name.

Your mother.

Hi mom! Why don't you return my phone calls? Is it because I ran over your dog while trying to navigate the closet. I said I was sorry!

Mr. Raburn,

My name is Nick Punto... er, Pick Nunto. I wish I were as tall as you. I drink my vitamins and take my milk, but I am still just a rat in a human boy's body. I can somewhat field a baseball and Satan disavows my existence. Tell me, what can I do to be as loathed as you. 

Your bestest pal: Nick Punto... er Don Kelly - NOT NICK PUNTO WIZARD

Hi Don! Why won't you return my phone calls? Is it because I called you Josh Wilson? I said I was sorry!

If this van's a rocking, it means a man is openly weeping inside.

Well, kids, it is time for me to get in my van and go to the magical world of mediocrity! Bye for now!

Will the Streak Continue?

The Rather Quite Angry Cloud!

While today's game related post/sarcastic commentary will go on as scheduled, tomorrow's may actually miss being on time. Actual important appointment whatitswhoits and intermittent tomfoolery are on the agenda for Thursday.

The Minnesota Kave Kubel.

So I leave you with our friend, the Rather Quite Angry Cloud and an even older MS PAINT picture of Jason Kubel in his natural habitat.

Do not cry for me, Argentina, I am not a war criminal hiding out inside your glorious borders, enjoying hot Argentinian lay-deez. Really, I am not so stop asking. Don't make me move to Latvia because I am too hot a celebrity there and would rather stay out of their scandal rags.

Almost Late Night Update!

You lucky duckies up late get a first hand glimpse of what the ROD does when it is late at night and the ROD does not feel like playing video games.

Behold: the Wanker!

Making Tigers fans hate Australia since he threw up and called it baseball.

While "tosser" may seem to be a better nickname for the horribleness that is Brad Thomas, let's be honest - Thomas is a wanker. He's awful and pretty much signals a white flag whenever he comes into a game. You throw Brad Thomas on the mound when you no longer care about life or winning or watching anything resembling baseball. Heck, Brad Thomas is the Tigers way of saying: turn the TV and go do something with your life. I say: fire Brad Thomas... out of a cannon... into the sun! Seriously, Brad Thomas is awful.

I hate that Brad Thomas generally pitches poorly and a passable to just above mediocre performance is considered good for him. Screw that noise! I want the Tigers to succeed and I do not believe they can with Brad Thomas on their staff. Thankfully Thomas is currently on the disabled list. Either way, he's a wanker on the mound!

Brandon Inge's Hot,Sexy Kissing Booth!

Since Brandon Inge is on the DL, he has had to start selling hot, sexy, mono filled kisses!

The ROD has learned Brandon Inge has mononucleosis. The ROD has also learned how to spell mononucleosis. The ROD has also just lied about learning how to spell mononucleosis and looked it up via Google search. The ROD is also writing about itself in the 3rd person.

Getting back to the hot, sexy point: Brandon Inge is on the disabled list and now must resort to other means to appease his fanatics. Hot, sexy desperation tactics! Yeah! Wait... I don't get it.

K's Can Be Dangerous!

What do you mean someone already took this chant?!

Tonight, at Safeco Field in Seattle, Washington, Felix Hernandez's fan club (The King's Court) began chanting KKK (not really, they were saying strike). If you were listening to Dave Simms, well, then you heard the true KKK chant. Strike! Strike! Strike!

A Secondary Introduction

Hello, my name is David.

This is where I will, very rarely, write about my favorite baseball club: the Detroit Tigers. I became a fan of the Tigers thanks to seeing Alan Trammell and Lou Whitaker on television. The year was 1983. In 1984 the Tigers went on to win a World Series and my fanaticism was rewarded.

Of course, the Tigers went on to have the worst record in the 1990s and in 2003 had one of the worst seasons in Major League Baseball history. So, yeah, good choice!

I tend to be sarcastic, smarmy and dead set in my ways. I tend to go with opinion when writing because I am too lazy to look up all the numbers. While I understand the concepts, logic and usage of sabermetrics, I am a sideline advanced metrics user - meaning I have trouble using them to explain just why they are important.

Instead, I will fill this page with some humor; bad MSPain abominations; and occasional long lists using semi-colons in a way that I find infuriating but found out is somewhat permissible.

Welcome... and if you are here for rich insight, you need help.