Exit the Error Wizard

All Glove, Love sans Stick. 

Many things have happened in the two months that the R-O-D has been silent. A couple of folks returned, a top pitching prospect was traded, the Tigers offense went AWOL, Ryan Raburn continued to blow goat chunks. Wondrous and exiting developments abounded while the R-O-D's erstwhile curator elected to waste time doing things besides chronicling an odd obsession with terri-bad players.

What, dear R-O-D reader (Hi Mom!) could bring me back? Nothing but news of the untimely demise of Don Kelly - Error Wizard.

I remember writing a recrap on Bless You Boys about a baseball game. While I remember very little about that day in May (I think I was in Bogota fighting Hand agents about to spike the world's supply of Stiva or something), I do remember calling Don Kelly a Wizard. Despite my non-interest in Don Kelly, the nickname stuck. Don Kelly is not a talented batsman. He cannot really hit Major League pitching... but he was fun to watch. Don could field and he helped the Tigers win the 2011 American League Division Series.

Don Kelly was not much but he was a Wizard. I felt like I had to say something. I hope things work out for this guy I will never meet nor ever know. He provided me with entertainment and I made up a dumb nickname that folks liked for him. That has to be worth something.

Tigers 3, Yankees 2 - ENTER THE ALDS HOME RUN WIZARD

The Fist and Don Kelly - TUMS ALUMNI WIZARD help the Tigers to Victory!

I began my ALDS Game 5 - only on TBS (BIG BANG THEORY STARTING SOON) by coming home from work early. A massage and bad Sbarro's pizza and a needless video game purchase (BlazBlue if you must know) helped calm my nerves.

Eating the pizza and breadsticks on the way home meant that I was watching the game on a near full stomach. I tuned in and saw a strike out. Undeterred, I took off my shoes and looked for a drink. I'm curious about what movies are playing and immediately check the internet for movies. Don Kelly - HEY LOOK AT ME I AM HITTING A HOME RUN WIZARD promptly hits a home run. I'm not one for believing in fate or anything but because his name is Don Kelly - HEY LOOK AT ME I AM HITTING A HOME RUN WIZARD, I think he may have hit a home run.

Stunnned, I began to wonder if Ivan Nova was really not going anywhere. Delmon "Froot By the Foot" Young hits another home run. So, by my count, the score is 2-0 and three googlies have been thrown. I note the googlies on my official India Cricket score doily and give a polite huzzah. Ivan Nova has 4 vowels in his name.

Doug Fister is pitching for Detroit. He was throwing the ball near the plate. I see a few strike outs and a walk. Fister is leading 2-0 for awhile. Don Kelly is a Troll Underpass Magnet School alumni. He's probably the only one who didn't eat an all goat diet, like the Wilson brothers. 

After wondering where my medicine is I see Victor Martinez scores Austin Jackson. Jackson had doubled and now he scored. That was interesting. Then Robinson Crusoe hit a home run. I wonder what Robert Lewis Stevenson thinks about that. I bet he didn't write that in his fancy book! Screw you, classics!

Fister soon gives way to Scherzer. I think that is the sort of stuff you can only see in Germany, or Japan if some sources are to be believed. Scherzer pitches well in relief and then Joaquin "On the Wild Side" Benoit treats the Yankees to a walk before going all (EDITED FOR POLITENESS) and boy, did the WWE scrub his presence from their history!

9th inning. Tigers 3, Yankees 2. I can't find any cough drops. Cherry are my favorite. Oh, Cano had his bat broken when making contact. There's an app for that (Steve Jobs is dead). Alex "Sexy Derek Jeter Sleepovers" Rodriguez has everything on his shoulders. Everything equals 3 strikes and he's done. Oh my! Don Kelly - TBS POST GAME INTERVIEW WIZARD says some stuff meanwhile Doug Fister wonders why everyone was excited by this high scoring game of 3-2. I mean, the Mariners scored 5 runs, total, before the All Star Break; it isn't a big deal.

The ALDS winning Detroit Tigers! Now we go onto Texas to face The Mighty Armadillos! Er, the Rangers! Oh, hey, the Big Bang Theory is coming to TBS!

2-1 You Say? This Series Is Not OVER!

DON KELLY - CANNON ARMED CYBORG DEFENSIVE WIZARD

Don Kelly's giant super arm and ability to bunt helped make the difference. SUre, Verlander gave up 4 runs, but he went 8. Brett Gardner is better than you'd think so I hope he falls off the Dale Murphy cliff forever because he's annoying. Tigers win! One more to go. I'm still nervous. I hope that if I vomit it'll be on someone horrible, like Nick Punto.

Waiting Can Make Things Even More Amazing.

The R-O-D's bread and butter: DON KELLY - WIZARD

Baseball is fun and baseball is always with us through half a year. Think about that, every year since you've been alive, half of them have been filled with baseball. The thing with baseball and living is that patience can be rewarded. 

The Tigers won the Central and their first division crown since 1987. Go get'em Tigers.

Whoa! UPDATED!

The Tigers are winning and I am having trouble figuring out what to complain about. So here's a picture that was cut because a rain out didn't happen. I blame MackAveKurt for that, by the way.

Don Kelly - Return of the Weather Wizard!

Enjoy!

I Set This Update for the 18th by Mistake!

A Wizard's Hat!

Today the Tigers staved off a sweep via remembering that scoring runs is not a rude thing for host baseball teams to do. Amazingly, Carlos "Soon to be Back on the DL" Guillen proved that even though he is mostly a cripple, he is still better than Ryan Raburn! No, Ryan, I won't take that back!

Anyhow, work has made the R-O-D less impressive but we will soldier on! Some other team plays the Tigers. Let's hope the striped heroes don't forget to bring their bats!

We're On a Mission from uh, Some Guy

Don Kelly - XING WIZARD redux!

Tigers win, Naughty Logos lose. Looks like we have a Forrest Dirks for lead off sighting on the radar. My work schedule precludes me from watching games so I just have to go on what I read. So far, I like where this is all going! Half a game behind the vile Clevelanders.

By Your Powers Combined...

Who would have thought this would happen?

Today was a wondrous day. Both Don Kelly, ADEQUATE BASEBALL WIZARD and Ryan "Sad Sack" Raburn contributed to a Tigers victory. Phil Coke was good out of the bullpen, Max - AAAAAAAH AAAAAAAH , Savior of the Universe appeared. Overall, nothing else could be asked for from these Tigers. The Naughty Logos still managed to win but as we have seen, they aren't a sure thing.

I can't believe I had the chance to draw this!

From Vomit to Pyrrhic Triumph!

THIS IS ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT THIS GAME! DON KELLY PITCHED! WOW!

The Tragic Tumultuous Times of Ryan Raburn.

Yin and Yang, Good and Evil, Not Good and Not Good, Ryan Raburn and Don Kelly.

Brad Penny had a good game today. Sure he allowed 2 runs, in toto, but that's called a quality start people. The Tigers bats had managed 1 run courtesy of a Jhonny Peralta of the H Clan. Then, then skip realized the error of his ways.

With a crucial at bat coming up (or something), Leyland realized his only hope was magic. While Ryan Raburn sought redemption for being stinky (as usual), Leyland wanted to win the game, for Sparky and because winning is what you're supposed to want to do anyhow. Instead of Reliant K, Ole Jim went with Don Kelly - PINCH HITTING WIZARD. Lo and behold, the Tigers were rewarded.

The above comic tells the story. Tigers win, Wizards win, Raburn loses. 8-3 is the final! Good times.

Off Day Procrastination: ASK RYAN - The New Class!

OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Hi kids! It's me, your pal Ryan Raburn! I am not playing baseball so I decided to answer more of your questions! People sure are mean to me. I mean, I may not be the best baseball player in the world, but golly gee-willickers, I'm a major league baseball player! I hit a grand slam the other day and nearly didn't get picked off at third base. Like I always say: teach a man to walk in a straight line, make him somewhat capable. But lead a man off third by about a mile and that man will never be forgotten! Let's answer some questions.

Hey, Reighbourne! Why do you have my picture on your van? Don Kelly - MAILBAG WIZARD!

Hi Don! Wizards are supposed to be on the sides of vans, duh! Except those Hairy Pothead guys. Pot is bad! You know what else is bad? People who boo me after I strike out! I only tried it once with Bobby Higginson when it was Bum Night in Comerica. I said I was sorry!

Dear Ryan,

I hate you. Please change your last name.

Your mother.

Hi mom! Why don't you return my phone calls? Is it because I ran over your dog while trying to navigate the closet. I said I was sorry!

Mr. Raburn,

My name is Nick Punto... er, Pick Nunto. I wish I were as tall as you. I drink my vitamins and take my milk, but I am still just a rat in a human boy's body. I can somewhat field a baseball and Satan disavows my existence. Tell me, what can I do to be as loathed as you. 

Your bestest pal: Nick Punto... er Don Kelly - NOT NICK PUNTO WIZARD

Hi Don! Why won't you return my phone calls? Is it because I called you Josh Wilson? I said I was sorry!

If this van's a rocking, it means a man is openly weeping inside.

Well, kids, it is time for me to get in my van and go to the magical world of mediocrity! Bye for now!

Tigers Lost Yesterday But I Drew a Van Today!

No one asked but Ryan begged me to show off his bitchin' van!

At the moment of this post the Tigers and Dodgers are tied 1-1! However, I am more interested in showing off Ryan "ERROR WUNDERKIND/RELIANT K" Raburn's bitching van (note lack of windows) instead of waiting to recap the game. Recapping is so last week!

Instead I will post a couple of bad pictures and bask in the adulation of the tens of tens of R-O-D fan(s). Yes. The R-O-D has more than one fan (supposedly). We're going places! The Tigers are lucky to have me as a inept MS Paint using fan, yes siree bob! Did I mention I dislike Ryan Raburn? I didn't? Oh well!

Hello semi-retarded bird!

So here's an alternate, old Baltimore Orioles logo, dedicated to an internet pal! I hope you like crappy MS Paint, internet friend!

Justin Verlander Does That Whole Dominant Pitching Thing

Don Kelly - TRIPLE WIZARD!

The real story of the ball game was Don Kelly - 9 RBI THIS SEASON WIZARD, collecting a single and a triple! If it weren't for his amazing contributions at the plate, the Tigers would have been lost. Really. I'm serious. Believe me!

The evil losing streak stops at 2 and the Devil's favorite team in Colorado that plays baseball and not hockey gets their come uppance. Verlander gets his 9th win of the season and the Tigers win 9 to 1. About bloody time.

Yes, the recaps have gotten shorter but what else can I talk about? Screw you people! Well, maybe I shouldn't be hostile to imaginary folks. Anyhow, the Tigers are hitting, their pitching is generally not awful and the bullpen is not as vomitous as it was before. The big test is post-All Star game because that is when Leyland's teams tend to die. Thankfully this year the hardest part of the schedule is over and done with so it should be better. If not, I expect this town ain't big enough for the both of us (name the band that sang that hit).

A Magical Finish!

Don Kelly - FIRST PLACE WIZARD, has climbed the poop mountain!

As the Ho-Down in Tiger Town comes to a close, let us remember that Don Kelly - FIRST PLACE WIZARD and The R-O-D are 13-6. I didn't watch this game but I figure our WIZARD cast some spells and was almost scrappy. I also imagine Cleveland having large, open sores and radioactive breath.

Terrible, terrible Clevelanditis. I believe it is like gingivitis only it affects the butt. Tigers win 6-2 and are back to sole possession of first. YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Don Kelly - YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH WIZARD!

Scabs Aren't Just for Picking Any More!

Let's all go to the lobby, and betray our fellow bats!

Batman didn't comment.

Yesterday the Tiger bats refused to work, except Victor Martinez's big business supporting bat. Today, other bats crossed the picket line, hurting the valiant bats who only wish to organize in order to prevent management from dictating more favorable to management terms.

Just pretend it was 1 instead of 1.5.

A preliminary agreement ended up being reached, though, avoiding long term work stoppage, until the bats want hats (help keep bats warm, muchos gracias). The Mariners felt the rage of the bat parade and the Tigers climbed into a first place tie with the utterly believable Cleveland Naughty Logos.

DON KELLY - RBI WIZARD + DEFENSE!

Don Kelly, BASEBALL PLAYING WIZARD had some good defense tonight and actually hit! Look at the fierce and determined Kelly! His Wizard hat has magical powers that allow him to play baseball at a not Ryan Raburn crappy level sometimes. How long this will last is unknown but enjoy the ride. One last game against the M's left then the Tigers don't have to see King Felix, Prince Pineda, Zombie Bedard, Fister the Fisting Fist ever again this season... unless it is in the playoffs! Tigers win8-1! Tigers are now 10-4 during The R-O-D's glorious existence. You're welcome, Detroit fans; you're welcome.

Ahoy, Matey! Marineros Visit Land!

Justin Verlander shut down the the Seatown Marineros, just in time for me to miss most of the game! Seattle is hovering just above .500 while the Tigers are the hottest team in baseball (for some, in more ways than one).

What's the most important thing about this game? Don Kelly - RBI WIZARD! It is the R-O-D and Don Kelly is our spirit wizard.  I will watch the replay of this game on ROOT Sports - for all your plant based sports needs!

Don Kelly - RBI WIZARD is fierce even if his magic bat shoots pink dust.

The Tigers are 9-3 since The R-O-D came to be; BELIEVE!

ENTER THE ERRANT TOSS WIZARD!

Don Kelly - ERRANT TOSS WIZARD showing off his skillz.

What else can I say but: FIRE EVERYONE! THIS LOSS IS UNACCEPTABLE AND YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELVES! RWAR! TRADE PHIL COKE FOR ALBERT PUJOLS AND DRIVING LESSONS FROM TONY LARUSSA! TRADE CALE IORG FOR DAVID WRIGHT AND JOSE REYES! COKE TO THE BULLPEN! RABBLE, RABBLE, RABBLE!

...er excuse me; I caught a case of the stupids right there. Phil Coke paid the price for errors, notably: Don Kelly, ERRANT TOSS WIZARD, and his 2 run error in a 4 run inning. 

Enrique Gonzalez, ladies and gents!

Then Enrique "White Flag II" Gonzalez came in and didn't stink as badly as Brad Thomas's right handed Latino doppelganger usually does. The Tigers made it interesting in the 9th with a few more runs but fall to Tejas 7-3. Oh, and Ryan Raburn managed a pinch hit strike out. Consistency!

I would be remiss if I did not remember to award The R-O-D's most coveted (read: only) award: The Blue Plate Special, which is awarded to Excellence in the Field of Excrement. Tonight's award was a close one, with 1 time BPS winner, Ryan Raburn, striking his way out after our second nominee, Don Kelly - AWARD NOMINEE WIZARD, made his strong case in the 3rd and winner is...

The R-O-D BPS!

DON KELLY - BPS EXCELLENCE IN THE FIELD OF EXCREMENT AWARD WINNING WIZARD! Thank you, Don, for helping Phil Coke lose this game! Until next time you cantankerous kitties! Oh, and the score has been corrected. I suddenly thought Detroit scored a 4th run, silly me!

Let's Bunt (Let's Bunt) Future Bunting Game!

13 runs! Goodness!

Everything that could go right for the Tigers did go right... well everything but Max Scherzer. Max has been awful lately but he shouldn't be sent down to Toledo. Really, those who are saying that need to stop having their heads up their butts.

Curiously, Ron Washington and Jim Leyland decided to play human chess tonight. The highlight? Don Kelly - DUTIFUL PLAYER WIZARD being asked to bunt Austin Jackson over to third, with a 4 run lead and zero outs.

Don Kelly - BUNTING WIZARD returns to the R-O-D!

That is the thought that will stay with me about this game. Not Boesch's amazing, 2HR, 5 RBI night. Not Furbush being good yet again. No, a sacrifice bunt. Pretty fly, I say! Oh, and the Tigers are 1.5 games behind the Naughty Logos. Hear those footsteps, suckas? It's time to rumble!

Groinaclysm!

Throw, catch or hit, Ryan. You get one.

Jake Peavy gave up 6 runs on 3 hits in the fourth inning. The big blow? A grand slam by Ryan "Reliant K" Raburn. Was this the at bat that turned the page for Raburn? Are we going to finally see the hitter Raburn can be? Well, no, he remembered he was Ryan Raburn and struck out in his next at bat but he did get his pick one selection right!

Hawk bitched and moaned through out the game, people complained about Hawk being terrible. The White Sox lost and Peavy hurt his groin. Personally, I think Peavy just drank himself to death from giving up a grand slam to Ryan Raburn. 

This picture has no reason being here!

Anyhow, the Tigers have climbed to 2.5 games out of first place (and 6-2 during the ROD's existence), behind the completely legitimate; utterly undoubtable and beyond reproach (not really) Cleveland We Support Racial Caricatures Baseball Club (henceforth known as the Cleveland Naughty Logos).

Have I told you how much I dislike Hawk? Really, the guy was an unremarkable player, a terrible GM and is a festering, pus filled boil on the anus of baseball announcing. From his stupid little expressions to his over the top homerism, Hawk deserves to be subjected to a fire hose or at least have his mouth taped shut.

I can't draw a hawk so I drew Hawk as a duck!

Just look at that pudwacker! He screams guy who probably goes into alleys looking for smack to take before he gets into autoerotic asphixiation! ...or not. Either way, I can't wait until "he gone" from the announce booth.

Oh! I almost forgot, Don Kelly - NOT DRAWN THIS TIME AROUND WIZARD, had some nice diving stops tonight. Good for you, Wiz!

Painted Whores and Striped Jungle Cats Battle to Discovery Who Wants to Win Least!

Don Kelly - ERROR WIZARD, was quite busy tonight.

Tonight, in the Motor City, the AL Central rivalry between the Twins and Tigers continued unabated. The Tigers were down 3-0 early after Ryan "Reliant K" Raburn decided fielding just wasn't his bag. The Tigers battled back scoring 6 runs and taking a 6-3 lead.

Max "Ahhhhh! Savior of the Universe" Scherzer was less Flash Gordon and more Flesh Gordon because he was getting pounded all night long. After a wild pitch from Max scored run #5 for the Twinks, Max decided that giving up a home run to Justin "Albino Canadian Kodiak Bear" Morneau was a good thing.

I wanted to use another picture so I added this one too!

With the Tigers down 7-6 something weird happened. The Cats fought back and managed to score 2 more runs. The bullpen of Furbush, Albuquerque and Benoit did not produce vomitous results. A victory was had and Don Kelly showed up in the 9th as a defensive replacement!

The typical Tiger baseball viewing position.

Of course this game was marred by some bad play by the Twins and a few gaffes by the Tigers. Kelly was busy most of the night going back to his ERROR WIZARD ways. A win is a win, no matter how ugly and boy, this one was ugly!

The Tigers have now won the last 8 games against the Twins. Suck on that, Painted Whores!