Off Days Aren't Supposed to Be Tumultuous!

RWAR! Baseball well drawn and crappily drawn hearts with equal glee!

May 3rd could be the last day in Mariano Rivera's storied career. Those that have talked with me know I think closers are unnecessary and, quite frankly, your best reliever should be pitching in your highest leverage situation and not with 0 on in the 9th inning of a game. There are always exceptions to situations and Mariano Rivera is... was, that exception. 

Rivera's cut fastball is devastatingly effective and since he threw it almost exclusively, probably the greatest pitch in baseball history. Well, he just tore his ACL and was considering retirement already. Considering how awful of a knee injury a torn ACL is and his age, Rivera is most likely done forever. Despite hating the New York Yankees, their fan base, the media investment in anything New York, Nick Swisher, the ludicrously short porch in right and anything to do with Jeter, Rivera was ok (if he wasn't shutting the door on your team).

The last active 42 is gone, for 2012 and perhaps ever. Mark Texiera's quote sums up how I feel about baseball: “I told you this game is cruel before the game". Magglio Ordonez knows what it is like to leave on an injury, to relate this to the Tigers. Some struggle through the pain of trying to get near their pre-injury levels, gnashing their teeth and clawing to come close to competing in the apex of their field. All the while whispers of "will they make it" or "what might have been" slip through the lips of everyone - questions that have escaped the minds of those who watch and wonder.

Players do not get to choose when their playing days are over - either management or their bodies make that decision. Baseball is a game centered around failure, centered around waiting and centered around hope. The game of baseball is cruel, teasing you in the spring with promises of blue skied springs, lazy summer days and golden trophies in early fall. Most years the skies are overcast or blistering but bearable because of The Game. When the ticklish fingers of Fall begin to chill our Game leaves. Sometimes I wonder why I put myself through this, year after year. Why do I love The Game so much? Why do I willingly expose myself to an irrational hurt? When my team wins I feel good for a few moments but would not doing some exercise or self improvement provide a more lasting high? 

Why do I do it? Because I have a memory and The Game has a memory. Mariano Rivera, the man, may have been felled but Mariano Rivera the Closer - he will never be touched. The Closer will remain a folk tale that will live on longer than you or I. Just like Magglio Ordonez's home run in Game 4 of the ALDS, the performance of "The Hackman" for the Giants in the NLCS, like Buck Leonard and Bob Gibson.

All things end but sometimes that ending is just a beginning.

3... er 4 Updates in a Month & The Mariners Come to Detroit

That thing is pretty darn deep!

Loyal R-O-D reader(s) - the next opponent for our beloved Tigers are none other than those swinging Mariners of Seattle. Don't be fooled by the fact Miguel Olivo and Chone Figgins are not good. Also, ignore Brendan Ryan - he's worth about 1.8 Wilsons so he's not that good either. Um...

Lemme think...

Uh...

The Tigers offense is not exactly lighting the world on fire and the Mariners offense is not exactly breathing too well on its own. There are all sorts of numbers one can look at to determine what could be going on but numbers and I, we are not friends. Numbers is my bookie.

The Mariners are still in a rebuilding phase, hoping Justin Smoak, Dustin Ackley and Jesus Montero can be the new Three Amigos while the Tigers are in WIN NOW mode. If I had to give some predictions I would say the Tigers should take 2 out of 3 from the M's (especially if Knock Out Noesi pitches (he is called Knock Out because he always seems to knock out walks, home runs and sucktacular pitching efforts)).

However, the Tigers may lose the series if their bats elect to find everywhere but places where fielders are not stationed. Perhaps home plate will be lonely this entire series, with only a few catchers to chat up and no one coming to visit.

Oh, and while this place is named after a more Tigers-centric phrase meaning "hit under .200" with the way Ryan Raburn tends to hit early in the season I have (since 2011) christened the Ryan Raburn Ravine for those folks who cannot manage to hit a robust .100 - you can thank me later.

Whelp, That Series Was Awful.

Rare first edition rookie card of the newest R-O-D sensation - Street Pizza!

The Tigers dropped the 4 game to the Rangers via a horrible call by an umpire. Rather than dwell on this terrible tun of events I am going to show off a rare collector's card of the hottest free agent ever - Street Pizza, dead cat LF extraordinaire!

I expect the Tigers to try to bid for Street Pizza's services but they'd better back up the Brinks if they want this amazing talent!

An Old Friend Helps David Purcey and David Dombrowski

This is a Feature I Believe is Long Overdue in Baseball '11!

Often maligned, much hated and misunderstood, our friend Clippy has found a new job courtesy of David Dombrowski and the Tigers front office. After David Purcey had managed to figure out a way from going from suck to blow and forgetting what a strike was, it became apparent that a solution was needed. Luckily for us all, Clippy had the answer! Now Purcey has been Ctrl + Alt + DFA'd we can all hope for better and brighter days. Have a Mac? I probably hate you.

This Creature Wants to Eat You!

Also: Brennan Boesch, who's scary visage I butchered to the right, hit a game winning home run in the rain or something. Tigers beat Tejas 6-5! Huzzah!

Where in the World is the R-O-D

INACCURATE GLOBE!

The R-O-D has been s-w-a-m-p-e-d thanks to working the evenings on the PT (that's the best coast for you swine on the least). What that means is I miss every single baseball game known to man and I have quite a few hobbies so the R-O-D fell by the wayside. Never fear, gadget fans, the R-O-D is back.

This week featured vomiting and losing to the White Sox, Brad Penny showing he's a dickbag and Jim Leyland thinking: hey, what if we do this instead of that?

Anyhow, free David Purcey... from the Earth and launch him into the sun.

Hi Kids! Do You Like Losing

0 No!

The Tigers were shut out and Hawk didn't cram it. Seriously, the second half swan song is greatly exaggerated but, Tigers, you don't make it easy to love you. Don't make me watch the M's!

Off Day Again?

JOBA likes this turn of events!

The All Star Break is Awful

No more ASB crap!

BORING

BUT THIS TIME IT COUNTS!

Chris Berman is Annoying.

It's true!

Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh - It's WONDER MAGIC RAINBOW FIRST PLACE!

I couldn't be bothered to draw a bus again!

Today, thanks to Verlanderday Industries, Magglio Ordonez the Tigers have climbed back into first place before the glorious All Star Break.

Sure the Tigers pitching could be more consistent... well except from Justin Verlander. Verlander is the best pitcher in the majors right now. He's a beast that grows stronger with each blazing fast ball and mind bending off speed pitch he tosses.

With Miguel and the Crew, the Tigers look to try and make a second half stand and win the Tigers first division title since 1987. These men are good at baseball, overall.

Traditionally there has been a second half swoon under Leyland but I am hopeful. The R-O-D, for all its bitching, believes.

From Vomit to Pyrrhic Triumph!

THIS IS ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT THIS GAME! DON KELLY PITCHED! WOW!

Really? I Mean, Really?

JOYEUX MONTHIVERSARY

Now celebrating 30 days of crap!

Loyal R-O-D reader(s), thank you for making the Ray Oyler Divide the #18 baseball blog in Estonia! While Latvia is our stomping grounds, it is good to know other former Eastern Bloc nations are loving our style! Thanks!

The Land of Make Up Believe!

Dangerous terrorists live there and they speak French!

The R-O-D does not condone Canada, at all. Our villains to the north are shifty and are up to no good. Tonight, because of evil rain outs, the Canadians had to invade Comerica yet again. Thankfully, the Tigers were up to the task and beat up the evil beaver invasion vanguard 4-2.

NEVER!

I heard Ryan Raburn did something but I decided he didn't deserve praise, because he's awful. Suck on that, Reliant K!

The Worst Pro-Avila Creation, Bar None.

Vote Alex Avila so I can later remove this travesty of justice.

I was listening to some OMD when I was suddenly inspired to make this horrible thing. Don't make me leave it up because it will remain up if the 2 readers of the R-O-D don't vote Alex Avila as all star catcher. I voted, and I hate the all star game.

Hell... Oh, it is Just Ryan and Ryan!

The Ryans are scary!

Ryan Raburn and Ryan Perry share certain attributes in common. The attributes are being able to suck like Hoovers and being players I just don't like. Sometimes Raburn can hit and sometimes Perry can throw a strike. Usually neither Ryan can do anything right.

The Tigers lose 7-6. Both Ryans had some of the blame for this horrific loss. I, personally, blame James Bach. I don't know a James Bach but it seems like the name of a giant, flaming jackhole. Screw you, James Bach!

Choke on this you schlubs.

To the Ryans, here is your Blue Plate Special award. Raburn leads everyone with, I believe, 3 or 4. He's been god awful. Screw you Raburn! 

Off Day Procrastination: ASK RYAN - The New Class!

OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Hi kids! It's me, your pal Ryan Raburn! I am not playing baseball so I decided to answer more of your questions! People sure are mean to me. I mean, I may not be the best baseball player in the world, but golly gee-willickers, I'm a major league baseball player! I hit a grand slam the other day and nearly didn't get picked off at third base. Like I always say: teach a man to walk in a straight line, make him somewhat capable. But lead a man off third by about a mile and that man will never be forgotten! Let's answer some questions.

Hey, Reighbourne! Why do you have my picture on your van? Don Kelly - MAILBAG WIZARD!

Hi Don! Wizards are supposed to be on the sides of vans, duh! Except those Hairy Pothead guys. Pot is bad! You know what else is bad? People who boo me after I strike out! I only tried it once with Bobby Higginson when it was Bum Night in Comerica. I said I was sorry!

Dear Ryan,

I hate you. Please change your last name.

Your mother.

Hi mom! Why don't you return my phone calls? Is it because I ran over your dog while trying to navigate the closet. I said I was sorry!

Mr. Raburn,

My name is Nick Punto... er, Pick Nunto. I wish I were as tall as you. I drink my vitamins and take my milk, but I am still just a rat in a human boy's body. I can somewhat field a baseball and Satan disavows my existence. Tell me, what can I do to be as loathed as you. 

Your bestest pal: Nick Punto... er Don Kelly - NOT NICK PUNTO WIZARD

Hi Don! Why won't you return my phone calls? Is it because I called you Josh Wilson? I said I was sorry!

If this van's a rocking, it means a man is openly weeping inside.

Well, kids, it is time for me to get in my van and go to the magical world of mediocrity! Bye for now!

Afternoon Delight

The Tigers beat the Dodgers in an afternoon game that maybe 30 people saw. That's 89 more people than the total attendance for the Tampa Bay Rays in the month of June! The Tigers get the old star and trident Mariners' logo for their efforts! Good job (see me after class because you've stunk most of the time).

The M's should go back to this logo.

The Devil, You Say?

Also the title to the little known sequel to Peyton Place!

Detroit is blowing at interleague play. If that isn't a reason to end this idiotic practice, well, then you are a poop head. I hate interleague play. I don't care about National League teams. Screw those guys and their uh, National Leagueness.

PS: Let's burn down The Windmill.