The Worst Named Team in MLB Today Show Grit, Determination and that They and Their Fanbase Should Choke on Their Own Vomit.

Shitty Balll and What Looks Like a Golden Toilet

So there was some hoopla over a bunt, a pitcher who gets annoyed at the slightest possible slight and angry over a giant slight. Chuck Guillen is the biggest murderer since that one guy who killed that other guy and made him an angel (see what I did there).

All insults aside, I decided to get about as dirty as I could because I felt justified because some other jerks on the internet fail to see why everyone was acting like a jackass. Faux racism is cute, but even a 30 second spell check can help.

Let's talk about how horrible the Los Angeles California Anahiem Los Angeles Angels of Anahiem broadcast crew make Hawk Harrelson look impartial. Let's talk about how I hate Disneyland. Let's talk about how awful those blue and gray uniforms were with the winged A. Those things were vomit worthy. All I know is that the 1986 ALCS was pretty funny and both version of Angels in the Outfield were awful.

Angels were all "male" and had no genitals; that tells you something!

Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh - It's WONDER MAGIC RAINBOW FIRST PLACE!

I couldn't be bothered to draw a bus again!

Today, thanks to Verlanderday Industries, Magglio Ordonez the Tigers have climbed back into first place before the glorious All Star Break.

Sure the Tigers pitching could be more consistent... well except from Justin Verlander. Verlander is the best pitcher in the majors right now. He's a beast that grows stronger with each blazing fast ball and mind bending off speed pitch he tosses.

With Miguel and the Crew, the Tigers look to try and make a second half stand and win the Tigers first division title since 1987. These men are good at baseball, overall.

Traditionally there has been a second half swoon under Leyland but I am hopeful. The R-O-D, for all its bitching, believes.

14 is a Magic Number.

I'd be upset if that last K wasn't so adorable.

When I was a kid I loved the heck out of School House Rock. Learning about the life of a Congressional bill, conjunctions and knife fighting through cartoons and songs. My favorite lesson, though, was how 3 was a number filled with power and blessings from the dark gods.

This seemed to ring true for most of my adult life. Menage-a-trois, triple bacon cheeseburgers, 3 dog nights, 3 card monte, 3 paternity suits, 3 Men and a Baby (and it's obviously awesome sequel: 3 Men and a Little Lady). Each one of those things more magical than a mere 2 or 4. Tonight, I learned something. 14 is the real magic number.

Justin Verlander struck out 14 Snakes and basically treated the Arizona baseball club as if they were his personal punching bag. Nothing more needs to be said about this game. This was Justin Verlander's ball game and we were privileged to get to see him do his thing. Enjoy his career, Tigers fans, JV is the greatest hurler to ever wear an Olde English D.

Oh, and Ryan Raburn still stinks.

Justin Verlander Does That Whole Dominant Pitching Thing

Don Kelly - TRIPLE WIZARD!

The real story of the ball game was Don Kelly - 9 RBI THIS SEASON WIZARD, collecting a single and a triple! If it weren't for his amazing contributions at the plate, the Tigers would have been lost. Really. I'm serious. Believe me!

The evil losing streak stops at 2 and the Devil's favorite team in Colorado that plays baseball and not hockey gets their come uppance. Verlander gets his 9th win of the season and the Tigers win 9 to 1. About bloody time.

Yes, the recaps have gotten shorter but what else can I talk about? Screw you people! Well, maybe I shouldn't be hostile to imaginary folks. Anyhow, the Tigers are hitting, their pitching is generally not awful and the bullpen is not as vomitous as it was before. The big test is post-All Star game because that is when Leyland's teams tend to die. Thankfully this year the hardest part of the schedule is over and done with so it should be better. If not, I expect this town ain't big enough for the both of us (name the band that sang that hit).

The Face Off in the Fotor City? The Mexican Town Stand Off? What Ever You Call It, I Call It Dead Cleveland Tales.

We're trying! For our sake and the sake of all those people who hate you!

Tonight, Justin Verlander decided that the evil Cleveland Emp... hahahahaha! I can't even write that with a straight face. Verlander decimated the Naughty Logos, helping Cleveland revert back to the Sad Sack lifestyle they have grown accustom to: failure.

Is the ball coming towards him or leaving?

The Verlander-Day Industries holiday, Slaughter Cleveland Day, was celebrated by going 7.1 innings of no-hit ball and shutting out Cleveland on 2 total hits. A great celebration was had by all, except those of us who wanted Cleveland no hit.

Watching Justin pitch in 2011 has been nothing short of fantastical. Verlander has become a walking, breathing, sphere hurling Demi-God on the mound. His fiery breath and ability to right what once went wrong while attempting to avenge his father's death at the hand of the six fingered man is truly a modern day myth that everyone should learn. Tonight was the night that the Tigers claimed first place and said: "Nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah" to the Naughty Logos. Much fun was had by the whole world, which would collapse under itself should Cleveland accomplish a thing.

I ain't afraid of no multi-base hits!

On a sad note, the Tigers extra base hit streak has died. Backspasms were to blame. Damn you Grady Sizemore! DAMN YOU! 12 and 5, folks. The R-O-D means bidness!

Strutting on the Ritz!

This is what it's like, when Coke cries.

What does Phil Coke gotta do to win a game? Nothing! He's pitched decently more often than not but those terrible, oft striking bats don't like him. They give him No Run Support and those darned Cats with Bats are more like noruns4lyfe rather than Detroit4Lyfe. Sometimes, though, the Roar of the Tigers cannot be stopped and the Tigers can find a way to win 2 to 1 on a walk off extra base hit from Ramon Santiago. Bless You Boys, as Ackerman would say sarcastically.

Coke deserved a win but Joaquin on Sunshine (sunshine is code for crack) decided that was too good of a decision for Phil and sabotaged poor Cokey. Ramon "DAN'JUSS" Santiago said: no, we ain't losing just because our weird 8th inning dude screwed up! I gots you all!

He's a bad mamma jamma!

You don't mess with the Ramon, dig? The R-O-D provides another victory. 11-5, muchachos. Believe, mother hubbards! Still tied for first and them Naughty Logos is coming to town. Dig it!

Split? What Do You Mean Split?

Pirates are just Mariners with more jewelry and scurvy.

With Felix El Rey on the hill, the Tigers had little room for error. At one point, behind a strong performance by Rick Porcello, the Tigers lead 2-0. Then bad things happened. The Mariners hit home runs. One was off Porcello (solo; Olivo), then one off Benoit (2-run; Olivo) and a final one off Wilk (2-run; Smoak).

7-3 is the final score. I blame the schools and an international Soviet conspiracy. I also blame Ryan Raburn just because he's my Tiger punching bag. Bad Raburn, bad! Really, how do you give up two home runs to Miguel Olivo? Did he threaten to beat you guys up after the game if you didn't? It is okay to tell me, you don't have to live in fear any more!

You'd think they'd get stuck on that sharp bottom.

On the bright side: no more games against the Mariners, who are dangerous thanks to their starting pitching. On the downside: no more games against the Mariners since I can see the M's vs. Tigers on ROOT Sports, which does a fine job of baseball broadcasting.

Scabs Aren't Just for Picking Any More!

Let's all go to the lobby, and betray our fellow bats!

Batman didn't comment.

Yesterday the Tiger bats refused to work, except Victor Martinez's big business supporting bat. Today, other bats crossed the picket line, hurting the valiant bats who only wish to organize in order to prevent management from dictating more favorable to management terms.

Just pretend it was 1 instead of 1.5.

A preliminary agreement ended up being reached, though, avoiding long term work stoppage, until the bats want hats (help keep bats warm, muchos gracias). The Mariners felt the rage of the bat parade and the Tigers climbed into a first place tie with the utterly believable Cleveland Naughty Logos.

DON KELLY - RBI WIZARD + DEFENSE!

Don Kelly, BASEBALL PLAYING WIZARD had some good defense tonight and actually hit! Look at the fierce and determined Kelly! His Wizard hat has magical powers that allow him to play baseball at a not Ryan Raburn crappy level sometimes. How long this will last is unknown but enjoy the ride. One last game against the M's left then the Tigers don't have to see King Felix, Prince Pineda, Zombie Bedard, Fister the Fisting Fist ever again this season... unless it is in the playoffs! Tigers win8-1! Tigers are now 10-4 during The R-O-D's glorious existence. You're welcome, Detroit fans; you're welcome.

ENTER THE ERRANT TOSS WIZARD!

Don Kelly - ERRANT TOSS WIZARD showing off his skillz.

What else can I say but: FIRE EVERYONE! THIS LOSS IS UNACCEPTABLE AND YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELVES! RWAR! TRADE PHIL COKE FOR ALBERT PUJOLS AND DRIVING LESSONS FROM TONY LARUSSA! TRADE CALE IORG FOR DAVID WRIGHT AND JOSE REYES! COKE TO THE BULLPEN! RABBLE, RABBLE, RABBLE!

...er excuse me; I caught a case of the stupids right there. Phil Coke paid the price for errors, notably: Don Kelly, ERRANT TOSS WIZARD, and his 2 run error in a 4 run inning. 

Enrique Gonzalez, ladies and gents!

Then Enrique "White Flag II" Gonzalez came in and didn't stink as badly as Brad Thomas's right handed Latino doppelganger usually does. The Tigers made it interesting in the 9th with a few more runs but fall to Tejas 7-3. Oh, and Ryan Raburn managed a pinch hit strike out. Consistency!

I would be remiss if I did not remember to award The R-O-D's most coveted (read: only) award: The Blue Plate Special, which is awarded to Excellence in the Field of Excrement. Tonight's award was a close one, with 1 time BPS winner, Ryan Raburn, striking his way out after our second nominee, Don Kelly - AWARD NOMINEE WIZARD, made his strong case in the 3rd and winner is...

The R-O-D BPS!

DON KELLY - BPS EXCELLENCE IN THE FIELD OF EXCREMENT AWARD WINNING WIZARD! Thank you, Don, for helping Phil Coke lose this game! Until next time you cantankerous kitties! Oh, and the score has been corrected. I suddenly thought Detroit scored a 4th run, silly me!

Ranjas Gots To Get Out The Way

Cleveland's naughty logo makes this image a little more awkward! Wizard X-ING!

Detroit continues its road warrior ways by running over the Rangers, again. Instead of drawing a Ranger, I drew a naughty logo. Why? Because Cleveland is feeling the hot, sexy breath of a Tigers team that is starting to remember there is a smattering of talent on the big club.

Rick Porcello pitched well for 5 innings and only gave up 1 in the 6th. Texas is hot so I think Rick lost 87 lbs through sweat tonight. The Tigers put together yet another set of hits and continued their extra base hit streak to every game they've played this season.

Another big piece of news is the Tigers slugged out 20 hits. 20. Holy moly! An 8-1 Tiger win just goes to show you the R-O-D does equal victory.

Maybe later I will draw a windmill to show what I think of Gene Lamont. All Lamont laments aside, the Tigers are 8-2 since the R-O-D came to be. Don't thank me, just believe!

Let's Bunt (Let's Bunt) Future Bunting Game!

13 runs! Goodness!

Everything that could go right for the Tigers did go right... well everything but Max Scherzer. Max has been awful lately but he shouldn't be sent down to Toledo. Really, those who are saying that need to stop having their heads up their butts.

Curiously, Ron Washington and Jim Leyland decided to play human chess tonight. The highlight? Don Kelly - DUTIFUL PLAYER WIZARD being asked to bunt Austin Jackson over to third, with a 4 run lead and zero outs.

Don Kelly - BUNTING WIZARD returns to the R-O-D!

That is the thought that will stay with me about this game. Not Boesch's amazing, 2HR, 5 RBI night. Not Furbush being good yet again. No, a sacrifice bunt. Pretty fly, I say! Oh, and the Tigers are 1.5 games behind the Naughty Logos. Hear those footsteps, suckas? It's time to rumble!

Groinaclysm!

Throw, catch or hit, Ryan. You get one.

Jake Peavy gave up 6 runs on 3 hits in the fourth inning. The big blow? A grand slam by Ryan "Reliant K" Raburn. Was this the at bat that turned the page for Raburn? Are we going to finally see the hitter Raburn can be? Well, no, he remembered he was Ryan Raburn and struck out in his next at bat but he did get his pick one selection right!

Hawk bitched and moaned through out the game, people complained about Hawk being terrible. The White Sox lost and Peavy hurt his groin. Personally, I think Peavy just drank himself to death from giving up a grand slam to Ryan Raburn. 

This picture has no reason being here!

Anyhow, the Tigers have climbed to 2.5 games out of first place (and 6-2 during the ROD's existence), behind the completely legitimate; utterly undoubtable and beyond reproach (not really) Cleveland We Support Racial Caricatures Baseball Club (henceforth known as the Cleveland Naughty Logos).

Have I told you how much I dislike Hawk? Really, the guy was an unremarkable player, a terrible GM and is a festering, pus filled boil on the anus of baseball announcing. From his stupid little expressions to his over the top homerism, Hawk deserves to be subjected to a fire hose or at least have his mouth taped shut.

I can't draw a hawk so I drew Hawk as a duck!

Just look at that pudwacker! He screams guy who probably goes into alleys looking for smack to take before he gets into autoerotic asphixiation! ...or not. Either way, I can't wait until "he gone" from the announce booth.

Oh! I almost forgot, Don Kelly - NOT DRAWN THIS TIME AROUND WIZARD, had some nice diving stops tonight. Good for you, Wiz!

All Hail the Wonder Bus!

It's like the Venga Bus only it's filled with less creepy old guys falling apart and doesn't head to 6 Flags Over Texas!

Tonight the Tigers scored 2 runs off of a Brennan Boesch home run then decided scoring runs was an unfriendly thing for a group of visitors to do and proceeded to leave people on the lily white bases to ensure that the home town Chicago Worst Sox did not feel bad about themselves.

Meanwhile, Justin Verlander was having none of these Worst Sox. Verlander was mowing down batters like he was a kid on summer vacation trying to get money by mowing lawns for blow or heroin or what ever kids these days are into using money to purchase. Yu-gi-oh? Beyblade? Abortions? Well, anyhow, Verlander made a mistake and some guy in an ugly black uniform who is ugly and from Chicago which has ugly fans hit a 2 run home run out of their bread band box stadium tied up the game in ugly fashion.

The Tigers decided scoring was bad and continued to think Ryan Raburn is worth something by allowing his continued corpse to fester and stink up the line up. When times are rough and The Cleaner (Austin Jackson) hits a lead off triple, leave it to the Tigers to need the Wonder Bus (Miguel Cabrera) to take them on a ride to VICTOLYville (population: zero Hawk Harrelsons). Tigers win 4-2 and this win seemed important, real important. Also: I hate Hawk. Someone shove a can of corn down his beak hole!

Hell is on the right FYI.

US Cellular Field is too small. I drew it to scale but had to make real baseball parks smaller to show just how small it is compared to real parks! 

Worst Sox Take Advantage of Struggling Young Hot Hen Who Has Never Felt the Touch of a Strike Zone

Confession: I have never watched all of the "Graduate".

 Tonight the Tigers sent young starting pitcher Andy "Hot Hen" Oliver to the mound against the Chicago Worst Sox. Of course Oliver, being a young man with relatively little experience with major league strike zones, showed signs of being nervous.

Andy just doesn't have the wherewithal to handle such hot, hot, hot K-Zone action. In fact, Andy was so flummoxed he ran away from the inviting, enticing, erotic strike zone and into the arms of the nasty, boorish walk zone.

Andy also forgot you can have a force out at home and combined with a 3 run home run he gave up, he had the Tigers down 4-0. Mercifully Andy was removed for another kid but one who has been around the block a few times. Chuck Furbush was born under a bad sign. Furry never had nothing given to him and was a street wise punk beyond his years. Though he gave up a home run, Furbush didn't act like this was his sweet, innocent prom date. Furry went after that strike zone like someone who goes after things or something, I dunno, but he did his job.

The Tigers closed within 1 run then Juan Pierre hit a home run (3rd of his career) off of Enrique "Bradrique Thomasez" Gonzalez. Tigers lose 6-4. The Tigers also attempted 2 horrible stolen bases and Ryan Raburn almost looked like a bench player! So far this series is off to a bad start and the ROD falls to 4-2 on the season (screw you Hot Hen)!

For reading all of this, you can have an AJ toilet monster:

RWAR~! Me eat poo and act like colostomy bag in more ways than one!

K's Can Be Dangerous!

What do you mean someone already took this chant?!

Tonight, at Safeco Field in Seattle, Washington, Felix Hernandez's fan club (The King's Court) began chanting KKK (not really, they were saying strike). If you were listening to Dave Simms, well, then you heard the true KKK chant. Strike! Strike! Strike!

St. Paul Painted Whores Are Swept Off Their Dainty Feet!

More like Alaskan A-HBP-SIN! Right? Right?

Tonight our heroes, the Detroit Tigers, faced off against their rival, the villainous Painted Whores of St. Paul (or the Twins of Minnesota if you want to get technical).

Miguel Cabrera and Alex Avila combined to deliver the Striped Saviors 4 runs while Rick Porcello's only mistake was a 2 run home run to some guy weighing about 87 pounds who is primed for the Hall of Kind of OK.

The bigger story, besides the absence of anything pertaining to Don Kelly in this update, was the amazing outing by Daniel Schlereth. Danny fancies himself as the Alaska Assassin. The only thing he assassinated was anyone ever taking that nickname seriously. Schlereth faced one batter and hit the guy, on one pitch! That's right: 1 pitch, 1 hit by pitch.

The Alaskan A-HBP-SIN has a line score of 1 pitch, 1 HBP. Schlereth did not even have the decency to make his gaffe dramatic. Boo I say, boo! However, the Tigers did manage to turn turds into gold and win the game 4-2.

Let's get to the super important stuff: awards! For your performance in the excellent field of excrement, I give you, the Alaska A-HBP-SIN the R.O.D, Blue Plate Special!

Yes, it is poop on a baseball on a plate that isn't entirely blue on a checkerboard tablecloth.

Congratulations on being the inaugural ROD BPS award winner! Ryan Raburn is green with envy. He also committed 87 errors as I typed this message and started only 1 more game at second after being named starting second baseman.

The bottom line:
What does this mean? Well, our beloved felines did not gain any ground against the Cleveland Naughty Logos but they did up their current win streak against the Painted Whores to 9 games in a row. Most importantly: the Tigers are now 4-1 since the Ray Oyler Divide went live! You're welcome!

Painted Whores and Striped Jungle Cats Battle to Discovery Who Wants to Win Least!

Don Kelly - ERROR WIZARD, was quite busy tonight.

Tonight, in the Motor City, the AL Central rivalry between the Twins and Tigers continued unabated. The Tigers were down 3-0 early after Ryan "Reliant K" Raburn decided fielding just wasn't his bag. The Tigers battled back scoring 6 runs and taking a 6-3 lead.

Max "Ahhhhh! Savior of the Universe" Scherzer was less Flash Gordon and more Flesh Gordon because he was getting pounded all night long. After a wild pitch from Max scored run #5 for the Twinks, Max decided that giving up a home run to Justin "Albino Canadian Kodiak Bear" Morneau was a good thing.

I wanted to use another picture so I added this one too!

With the Tigers down 7-6 something weird happened. The Cats fought back and managed to score 2 more runs. The bullpen of Furbush, Albuquerque and Benoit did not produce vomitous results. A victory was had and Don Kelly showed up in the 9th as a defensive replacement!

The typical Tiger baseball viewing position.

Of course this game was marred by some bad play by the Twins and a few gaffes by the Tigers. Kelly was busy most of the night going back to his ERROR WIZARD ways. A win is a win, no matter how ugly and boy, this one was ugly!

The Tigers have now won the last 8 games against the Twins. Suck on that, Painted Whores!

The St. Paul Painted Whores Come to Town (Get Your Shots!)

This is what it feels like to be a Detroit Tigers' fan.

Today the Tigers face off against those pesky Twins. The Twins are known for soft hits, things going their way and playing awful baseball in 2K11.

The Tigers are known for not scoring runs past the 1st inning, an awful bullpen and using black magicks (more serious with a k).

ENTER THE DIVE WIZARD!

In today's game, after the Tigers took a 3 - 0 lead, the Twins scrappied back to take a 5 -3 lead. Then Victor Martinez remembered he is, indeed, allowed to hit home runs in Comerica Park. Game tied 5-5!

After that the Tigers loaded the bases and decided that scoring was a little too gauche for a host club to do and let the St. Paul hookers local 617 off the ledge.

However, fate decided not to let the Twins have their way with it again and, in a controversial play, Alex Avila doubled home Jhonny Peralta on what looked like fan interference. Thanks, baseball randomness.

Of course, all of this was just a warm up to the play of the game. Don Kelly - DIVE WIZARD, elects to make his presence felt yet again with a very capable diving catch in the 9th inning for the last out. Kelly just doesn't want me to stop making poor MSPaint pictures, that bastard!

Detroit contra Boston - Evil Hosiery Finally Get Their Come Uppance

Don Kelly - CALLED SHOT WIZARD enters baseball's mythical panthenon.

Justin Verlander stepped onto the mound this evening with the Tigers having humiliated themselves against this Red Sox team all season. So what does Justin "Miracle World" Verlander do? He pitches 7.2 innings of shut out baseball.

Verlander, working with a 2-0 lead, threw 7038 pitches while sterilizing Kevin Douchinski, to the relief of the entire world. Yet, there was a more important story to this game. Don Kelly - UPSTAGING WIZARD, went up to the plate with a runner on second and one out in the bottom of the 8th. Kelly stared down the nameless Red Sox sludge abomination and pointed to a spot just beyond the infield dirt; he was calling his shot!

After making such a bold declaration, Kelly sort of made some contact and delivered a single! Miguel scored and the Tigers took a 3-0 lead. Then they won the game! Coincidence? Not likely!

The Tigers are once again .500, so that's something!