VACATION (It's all I've ever wanted)

I'm off but here's a sneak peek at something I'll comment about later, along with the ALCS. Hopefully I won't be doing an off-season preview when I return!

While he has not been playing all that much, Ryan Raburn has discovered his love of graffiti art!

Tigers 3, Yankees 2 - ENTER THE ALDS HOME RUN WIZARD

The Fist and Don Kelly - TUMS ALUMNI WIZARD help the Tigers to Victory!

I began my ALDS Game 5 - only on TBS (BIG BANG THEORY STARTING SOON) by coming home from work early. A massage and bad Sbarro's pizza and a needless video game purchase (BlazBlue if you must know) helped calm my nerves.

Eating the pizza and breadsticks on the way home meant that I was watching the game on a near full stomach. I tuned in and saw a strike out. Undeterred, I took off my shoes and looked for a drink. I'm curious about what movies are playing and immediately check the internet for movies. Don Kelly - HEY LOOK AT ME I AM HITTING A HOME RUN WIZARD promptly hits a home run. I'm not one for believing in fate or anything but because his name is Don Kelly - HEY LOOK AT ME I AM HITTING A HOME RUN WIZARD, I think he may have hit a home run.

Stunnned, I began to wonder if Ivan Nova was really not going anywhere. Delmon "Froot By the Foot" Young hits another home run. So, by my count, the score is 2-0 and three googlies have been thrown. I note the googlies on my official India Cricket score doily and give a polite huzzah. Ivan Nova has 4 vowels in his name.

Doug Fister is pitching for Detroit. He was throwing the ball near the plate. I see a few strike outs and a walk. Fister is leading 2-0 for awhile. Don Kelly is a Troll Underpass Magnet School alumni. He's probably the only one who didn't eat an all goat diet, like the Wilson brothers. 

After wondering where my medicine is I see Victor Martinez scores Austin Jackson. Jackson had doubled and now he scored. That was interesting. Then Robinson Crusoe hit a home run. I wonder what Robert Lewis Stevenson thinks about that. I bet he didn't write that in his fancy book! Screw you, classics!

Fister soon gives way to Scherzer. I think that is the sort of stuff you can only see in Germany, or Japan if some sources are to be believed. Scherzer pitches well in relief and then Joaquin "On the Wild Side" Benoit treats the Yankees to a walk before going all (EDITED FOR POLITENESS) and boy, did the WWE scrub his presence from their history!

9th inning. Tigers 3, Yankees 2. I can't find any cough drops. Cherry are my favorite. Oh, Cano had his bat broken when making contact. There's an app for that (Steve Jobs is dead). Alex "Sexy Derek Jeter Sleepovers" Rodriguez has everything on his shoulders. Everything equals 3 strikes and he's done. Oh my! Don Kelly - TBS POST GAME INTERVIEW WIZARD says some stuff meanwhile Doug Fister wonders why everyone was excited by this high scoring game of 3-2. I mean, the Mariners scored 5 runs, total, before the All Star Break; it isn't a big deal.

The ALDS winning Detroit Tigers! Now we go onto Texas to face The Mighty Armadillos! Er, the Rangers! Oh, hey, the Big Bang Theory is coming to TBS!

Cop Out Pos... er IMPORTANT FEELINGS CONTAINED WITHIN!

An off day is time for us to get in touch with our feelings and I feel fine. Heck, any baseball season is, by default, the BEST SUMMER EVER! So instead of being all gloom and doom you can either enjoy or loathe my taste in music and listen to A Sunny Day in Glasgow's "The Best Summer Ever"!

PS: Go Tigers!

The DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM That Came to Detroit in the 8th Inning of Tonight's ALDS Game 4.

Hello and welcome to PANIC! TIME! Your hosts for this evening are Ryan Raburn (MIA) and Don Kelly - ANNOYED AT BLOW OUT WIZARD!

Hello faithful R-O-D fans! Tonight, as a special treat, we have a segment of our most favorite never before seen R-O-D segment! Wait... that doesn't make sense. Oh hell, here are R-O-D mascots Ryan Raburn (Missing in Action) and Don "Wizard" Kelly.

RR: Thanks mysterious Ray Oyler Divide guy. Shucks, tonight we sure did lose. I mean, from what I gathered from the TBS announcers, the Tigers lost all 5 games of the American League Division Series off a Robinson Cano 87 run home run in the only inning played.

DKWWHMA: Where did all these other letters come from, Ryan? I did not summon them!

RR: Uh... I dunno. Did you see Robinson Cano is the only active player in the Hall of Fame... twice!

DKWWICWTLCM: Seriously, where are all these extra letters come from? These acronyms don't even make sense. This is like I'm in Tweenage Idiot Fake Acronym Chat!

RR: TIFAC?! I love that place!

DKWIOIWRR: No wonder Leyland doesn't play you!

RR: Let's take some questions! YANQUISRULEOK asks: OMG why is TBS so anti-Yankee! There was, like, minutes where they didn't comment on JETER's LEADERSHIP AND CANO'S SEXY GLUTES AND A-ROD'S LOVE OF THE GRAPE STUFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DKWWAI: Dee Kay Why? Are you insinuating I am Donna Karen New York? Really, I hate this whole situation! Anyhow, before Ryan can answer, let me just say: the Yankees are a good team with a fantastic line up that just happens to get lip service from the largest media market in the world, single city that is, and of course you may hate that sometimes the announcers aren't servicing your Yankee needs. Might I suggest closing your eyes and imaging things that would make people with souls cry? Like Jeter-Rodriguez sleep overs?

RR: Our next question comes from ANGRYUPDWELLER. Angry asks: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR! ME HATE SCORE! I RUN A BLOG AND AM TOO NICE TO BE MEAN! I HAVE A DOG!

DKWWIONA: Really? Seriously? That's the best you have? C'mon, at least make fun of the fact the guy is, what, 4'3"?

RR: What guy? Our last question comes Worried Tigers Fan. Worried inquires: Did we just lose the series?

DKWWATAAWWASLOHWMC: Don Kelly, Wizard with answers and a Wizard with a secret love of Hanging with Mister Cooper? Oh that's it!

RR: It appears Don Kelly - WIZARD with Anger Management Problems has left so I get to answer! Yay!

- Sorry, we're out of time Ryan!

RR: NOooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

- Okay, fine, stop crying and let go of my ankle. I'm afraid Mayitis is contagious.

RR: Hooray! Okay, Tigers fans, look - sometimes you win series and sometimes you lose them. You must put things in perspective. A loss is going to hurt but you know what, that's baseball. Just root with all your heart and know that your team will be back next year. There are always new chances. Also know that we have not lost anything yet. The series is tied 2-2 and we have a great chance at winning. Are the Yankees formidable? Yes. Are they snappy dressers? Yes. But so are the Tigers. The Tigers are a storied franchise with heart, soul and the best home uniforms in MLB. We have viable MVP canidates and a guy named Fister. We have a chance! Let's root for those Tigers and know that, no matter what, they tried their best!

- Man, you're a weenie...

RR: HEY!!

- And this concludes the first OH NO PANIC! TIME!

2-1 You Say? This Series Is Not OVER!

DON KELLY - CANNON ARMED CYBORG DEFENSIVE WIZARD

Don Kelly's giant super arm and ability to bunt helped make the difference. SUre, Verlander gave up 4 runs, but he went 8. Brett Gardner is better than you'd think so I hope he falls off the Dale Murphy cliff forever because he's annoying. Tigers win! One more to go. I'm still nervous. I hope that if I vomit it'll be on someone horrible, like Nick Punto.

SERIES TIED?! WE'RE GONNA WIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN... or are we?

Raburn is opinionated and misinformed; basically he's like your average fan!

The Tigers defeated the Yankees 5-3. Sure the bullpen gave up 3 runs and sure it was raining all weekend in the City That Never Shuts Up About Itself but getting a split is much better than being down 2 games to 0. The scene switches to Detroit and we have Verlander versus C & C Music Factory. Can 24 game winner Verlander and company handle the hot dance tracks laid down by the producing dynamos... wait, I've just been informed that C. C. Sabathia is pitching. Oh, well, make sure he doesn't gnaw on the ball in between fighting with Joba "JOBA RULEZ" Chamberlain for freshly fried cow in the dugout. Get it? Because they're chubby. Zero off days is kind of scary but then again, it may feel more normal for these teams considering how the season goes.

The Tigers Lost a Game; WE ARE DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooM-ED!

Ryan Raburn trying desperate to calm people down and viral market his new Disney Channel show.

So, the Tigers lost game one of the American League Division Series 9 to 3 to the New York Highlanders... er Yankees. Okay, get over it. If they lose tonight... well, damn it, shut up. Either way, let's not think about the bad times and let us think about the good times. Remember when Ryan Raburn... crap... ABANDON SHIP!!!