A Very Special Episode of The R-O-D

God, it's me, Ryan... God, stop screening my calls... God, stop having dogs pee on me too.

I'm afraid it is that time of year again - when the bats begin to roar to life and the crisp baseballs dance out of said bats' way. The circle of baseball life, if you will.

However, one precocious little 2B... er LF... er baseball player named Ryan Raburn has battled his way to a .073 batting average at the end of regulation play on April 21st, 2012. Let that sink in - Raburn battled to get to .073. His 3 hits in the month of April makes the looming usual Raburn cannot hit to save anyone's life downturn in May all the more ominous. Is there anything that can be done? Is Ryan Raburn a lost cause? Should The Ray Oyler Divide pick a new mascot/whipping boy?

The answers are: Ryan starts very slow, nothing really can be done, Raburn is a fully developed player at this point and expecting any miracle of being a even a quasi starter isn't all that wise, and heck no!

Too bad Street Pizza's agent was such a hard ass.

While I have only seen a few games of the 2012 campaign I can deduce from absolutely nothing (except not being a regular poster at a certain Tigers fan spot that is awful and the butt of a joke) that Raburn will probably show just why the Tigers have stuck with him near the end of May. Raburn is notorious for starting slow and it is frustrating because Raburn can actually hit the ball. Fielding? No, not in a million years. Raburn is a defensive upgrade from Delmon Young in left field but, then again, a dead cat is a defensive upgrade in left field over Delmon Young.

All I am saying is that there really is not much the Tigers can do right now with Raburn. Designating him for assignment means someone else picks him up, and believe me, Raburn's bat is alluring to teams that have putrid offenses (all defensive liabilities aside). Trading Raburn will not bring anything (and why would you trade someone who plays the position you are weak at to upgrade the position you are weak at?) and there are really few better options at 2B or LF (Delmon's bat or Inge's glove and Inge's glove is about as fantastic as Inge's bat at this point in his career).

Overall, there is nothing the Tigers can really do without sacrificing one of their few pieces that are decent in the minor leagues so sit back and image being able to splice Cale Iorg's defense with Raburn's bat... oh man, that'd be fantastic!

The Return of the Return of The R-O-D!

A tragedy in several terrible, atrocious acts (of "hitting").

The rumors of the R-O-D's demise were almost entirely accurate. Currently the Boys with the Olde English D are sucking wind in Chicago. However, Ryan Raburn (The R-O-D's new spirit animal) has realized that Spring Training is baseball and knows that he sucks at baseball.

Currently, in the 5th the Tigers lead 2-0... they'd better win with or without Le Raburn!

'til Eternity! (Heaven Knows He Can't Field for Crap!)

What the heck is that box doing there?!

Then one blistering summer day
Old man Leyland came to say
Raburn with your glove of stone
Won't you play left alone?

(Oh please God, no!)

Man, Donna Summer is Rather Quite Good (and Something About Ryan Raburn part II)

You can laugh at him because his mom said it was okay (she was booing him when he was in the womb)!

Verse 2!

All of the other players
Always laughed and mocked his game
They hoped to never see Raburn
Ever playing in their games

(Like an amputee!)

We're halfway there! Expect more sometime... maybe before 2012! Oh... my... goodness!

The Tigers Lost a Game; WE ARE DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooM-ED!

Ryan Raburn trying desperate to calm people down and viral market his new Disney Channel show.

So, the Tigers lost game one of the American League Division Series 9 to 3 to the New York Highlanders... er Yankees. Okay, get over it. If they lose tonight... well, damn it, shut up. Either way, let's not think about the bad times and let us think about the good times. Remember when Ryan Raburn... crap... ABANDON SHIP!!!

I Set This Update for the 18th by Mistake!

A Wizard's Hat!

Today the Tigers staved off a sweep via remembering that scoring runs is not a rude thing for host baseball teams to do. Amazingly, Carlos "Soon to be Back on the DL" Guillen proved that even though he is mostly a cripple, he is still better than Ryan Raburn! No, Ryan, I won't take that back!

Anyhow, work has made the R-O-D less impressive but we will soldier on! Some other team plays the Tigers. Let's hope the striped heroes don't forget to bring their bats!

The Land of Make Up Believe!

Dangerous terrorists live there and they speak French!

The R-O-D does not condone Canada, at all. Our villains to the north are shifty and are up to no good. Tonight, because of evil rain outs, the Canadians had to invade Comerica yet again. Thankfully, the Tigers were up to the task and beat up the evil beaver invasion vanguard 4-2.

NEVER!

I heard Ryan Raburn did something but I decided he didn't deserve praise, because he's awful. Suck on that, Reliant K!

The Tragic Tumultuous Times of Ryan Raburn.

Yin and Yang, Good and Evil, Not Good and Not Good, Ryan Raburn and Don Kelly.

Brad Penny had a good game today. Sure he allowed 2 runs, in toto, but that's called a quality start people. The Tigers bats had managed 1 run courtesy of a Jhonny Peralta of the H Clan. Then, then skip realized the error of his ways.

With a crucial at bat coming up (or something), Leyland realized his only hope was magic. While Ryan Raburn sought redemption for being stinky (as usual), Leyland wanted to win the game, for Sparky and because winning is what you're supposed to want to do anyhow. Instead of Reliant K, Ole Jim went with Don Kelly - PINCH HITTING WIZARD. Lo and behold, the Tigers were rewarded.

The above comic tells the story. Tigers win, Wizards win, Raburn loses. 8-3 is the final! Good times.

Hell... Oh, it is Just Ryan and Ryan!

The Ryans are scary!

Ryan Raburn and Ryan Perry share certain attributes in common. The attributes are being able to suck like Hoovers and being players I just don't like. Sometimes Raburn can hit and sometimes Perry can throw a strike. Usually neither Ryan can do anything right.

The Tigers lose 7-6. Both Ryans had some of the blame for this horrific loss. I, personally, blame James Bach. I don't know a James Bach but it seems like the name of a giant, flaming jackhole. Screw you, James Bach!

Choke on this you schlubs.

To the Ryans, here is your Blue Plate Special award. Raburn leads everyone with, I believe, 3 or 4. He's been god awful. Screw you Raburn!