EVIL DPS!

These guys are from the bad side of town.

Thanks a ton, Tigers. All them DPs and all them ways to not score. Thanks guys!

I Hear New York Holds is All the Rage!

BASEBALL NO LIKE TIGERS! TIGERS SMELL LIKE DESPAIR!

Today looked like a day where the Tigers may find a way to overcome adversity, their slumping bats and their off field turmoil. Against the Yankees, in New York, the Tigers looked to like a team that was going to win in spite of themselves.

Of course this is not a movie and everything went to utter shit.

Don Kelly made an error and run 5 scored because of said error. Benoit still can't shut down folks in the 8th inning and Brayan Villareal then elected to throw a ball that Alex Avila let go, bringing in the winning run. Sure, Verlander allowed two home runs and 5 runs scored (4 earned).

Still, the lead should have held up. Instead the Tigers end up with their 5th straight loss and have lost 7 out of their last 8. Additionally Delmon Young says something stupid and gets an assault charge, Brandon Inge is released and the fan base is in a tizzy.

What can be done? Nothing - things have to right themselves. Eldred had a decent night for a call up and, well, there were hits. Sure, runners were stranded but the Tigers were hitting. I want to wring my hands and get really frustrated but there comes a point where you just have to say maalesh - it's nothing, it doesn't matter. Why would I tell you to say this arabic word? Because this blip does not matter in the grand scheme of the season or the grand scheme of anything - this is just turmoil. Every endeavor has something like this and the less panic that happens the better.

The Tigers are a talented ball club and will come around or make moves that can help should they be called for considering the circumstances. Fister will return, our 5th starter will be a 5th starter, Don Kelly will still be a Wizard and the Wonderbus & Thunderbus will rumble down the interstate striking fear in the hearts of opposing pitchers. The Tigers are a good team and even good teams have downs during a baseball season. 162 games has a way of evening most things out. That evening out is why good teams win close to 90 games and great teams close in on 100.

I'd like to end this entry with one thing: thank you Brandon Inge for your years of community service and adorkable antics.

The Hot, Sexy Kissing Booth - signing off.

Whelp, That Series Was Awful.

Rare first edition rookie card of the newest R-O-D sensation - Street Pizza!

The Tigers dropped the 4 game to the Rangers via a horrible call by an umpire. Rather than dwell on this terrible tun of events I am going to show off a rare collector's card of the hottest free agent ever - Street Pizza, dead cat LF extraordinaire!

I expect the Tigers to try to bid for Street Pizza's services but they'd better back up the Brinks if they want this amazing talent!

The DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM That Came to Detroit in the 8th Inning of Tonight's ALDS Game 4.

Hello and welcome to PANIC! TIME! Your hosts for this evening are Ryan Raburn (MIA) and Don Kelly - ANNOYED AT BLOW OUT WIZARD!

Hello faithful R-O-D fans! Tonight, as a special treat, we have a segment of our most favorite never before seen R-O-D segment! Wait... that doesn't make sense. Oh hell, here are R-O-D mascots Ryan Raburn (Missing in Action) and Don "Wizard" Kelly.

RR: Thanks mysterious Ray Oyler Divide guy. Shucks, tonight we sure did lose. I mean, from what I gathered from the TBS announcers, the Tigers lost all 5 games of the American League Division Series off a Robinson Cano 87 run home run in the only inning played.

DKWWHMA: Where did all these other letters come from, Ryan? I did not summon them!

RR: Uh... I dunno. Did you see Robinson Cano is the only active player in the Hall of Fame... twice!

DKWWICWTLCM: Seriously, where are all these extra letters come from? These acronyms don't even make sense. This is like I'm in Tweenage Idiot Fake Acronym Chat!

RR: TIFAC?! I love that place!

DKWIOIWRR: No wonder Leyland doesn't play you!

RR: Let's take some questions! YANQUISRULEOK asks: OMG why is TBS so anti-Yankee! There was, like, minutes where they didn't comment on JETER's LEADERSHIP AND CANO'S SEXY GLUTES AND A-ROD'S LOVE OF THE GRAPE STUFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DKWWAI: Dee Kay Why? Are you insinuating I am Donna Karen New York? Really, I hate this whole situation! Anyhow, before Ryan can answer, let me just say: the Yankees are a good team with a fantastic line up that just happens to get lip service from the largest media market in the world, single city that is, and of course you may hate that sometimes the announcers aren't servicing your Yankee needs. Might I suggest closing your eyes and imaging things that would make people with souls cry? Like Jeter-Rodriguez sleep overs?

RR: Our next question comes from ANGRYUPDWELLER. Angry asks: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR! ME HATE SCORE! I RUN A BLOG AND AM TOO NICE TO BE MEAN! I HAVE A DOG!

DKWWIONA: Really? Seriously? That's the best you have? C'mon, at least make fun of the fact the guy is, what, 4'3"?

RR: What guy? Our last question comes Worried Tigers Fan. Worried inquires: Did we just lose the series?

DKWWATAAWWASLOHWMC: Don Kelly, Wizard with answers and a Wizard with a secret love of Hanging with Mister Cooper? Oh that's it!

RR: It appears Don Kelly - WIZARD with Anger Management Problems has left so I get to answer! Yay!

- Sorry, we're out of time Ryan!

RR: NOooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

- Okay, fine, stop crying and let go of my ankle. I'm afraid Mayitis is contagious.

RR: Hooray! Okay, Tigers fans, look - sometimes you win series and sometimes you lose them. You must put things in perspective. A loss is going to hurt but you know what, that's baseball. Just root with all your heart and know that your team will be back next year. There are always new chances. Also know that we have not lost anything yet. The series is tied 2-2 and we have a great chance at winning. Are the Yankees formidable? Yes. Are they snappy dressers? Yes. But so are the Tigers. The Tigers are a storied franchise with heart, soul and the best home uniforms in MLB. We have viable MVP canidates and a guy named Fister. We have a chance! Let's root for those Tigers and know that, no matter what, they tried their best!

- Man, you're a weenie...

RR: HEY!!

- And this concludes the first OH NO PANIC! TIME!

Purcey and the Magical Testicle Tree!

Dude, I think you need to see a doctor about all your balls!

One day, David Purcey wanted to get himself some testicles. "My word," said David, "I would love to have some balls!". A mischievous little wish granting creature appeared out of nowhere, looking sort of like a rat with wings, or Nick Punto, those things are interchangible. Anyhow, Purcey got his balls but ended up spilling them everywhere tonight against the Oakland A's. What the hell, dude? 12 balls and 4 strikes? That's awful. That wish thing should have choked you to death for being bad at baseball. We traded a middling midfielder for this garbage? Ah well, I bet he has a good club house personality.

Thanks to Purcey the Tigers ended up losing. Screw you! Also, the Tigers traded for a Kansas City Betemit and Inge was DFA'd. Ta-da!

Now looking to kiss Detroit good-bye!

Hi Kids! Do You Like Losing

0 No!

The Tigers were shut out and Hawk didn't cram it. Seriously, the second half swan song is greatly exaggerated but, Tigers, you don't make it easy to love you. Don't make me watch the M's!

Boo This Man!

Hawk? More like Suwk.

Tigers lose to the giant piles of crap that play in a tiny little breadbox. I hate the All Star Game.

Umpires at the Apollo

BOO THESE MEN!

So, once again, piles of filth like Joe West and Angel Hernandez decide to make a baseball game about them, ignoring rules and common sense just to act like petulant children. Well, I hate you two. I hope MLB finally starts to fire and/or sanction bulbous sores on its ass like you two sooner rather than later. Hernandez is terrible and Joe West is his ass pimple amigo.

These two must be put out to pasture. Yet, the Tigers main fault was their inability to actually hit (yet again). That's 2 runs in 18 innings. Stop blowing.

More DPs Than an Adult Book Store

The Tigers elected to work out their various digestive problems by unleashing a torrent of excrement on the baseball diamond tonight. Sure the Angels stole a few hits via good glove work but the sheer amount of GIDP that I saw tonight made me feel ill and somewhat aroused.

I'm sorry but, Tigers, you're making me want to strangle things. Stop being bad.

A cascade of filth disguised as a baseball game.

Today’s Tigers performance was reminiscent of a slaughter house. The pitchers were swaying on the hooks, drying and with flies scattering when the masked workers would select a slab to carve.

Entrails and the slop of life made moist noises on the floor. I could barely contain my urge to expel everything I have ever eaten and run as far away from that gruesome scene as I could.

But my legs would not work and my eyes would not shut. All I could do is stare, mouth agape and let that putrid stench violate all of my senses.

I Want to Fire the Bullpen Out of a Cannon.

Stop sucking.

From Vomit to Pyrrhic Triumph!

THIS IS ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT THIS GAME! DON KELLY PITCHED! WOW!

Really? I Mean, Really?

Hell... Oh, it is Just Ryan and Ryan!

The Ryans are scary!

Ryan Raburn and Ryan Perry share certain attributes in common. The attributes are being able to suck like Hoovers and being players I just don't like. Sometimes Raburn can hit and sometimes Perry can throw a strike. Usually neither Ryan can do anything right.

The Tigers lose 7-6. Both Ryans had some of the blame for this horrific loss. I, personally, blame James Bach. I don't know a James Bach but it seems like the name of a giant, flaming jackhole. Screw you, James Bach!

Choke on this you schlubs.

To the Ryans, here is your Blue Plate Special award. Raburn leads everyone with, I believe, 3 or 4. He's been god awful. Screw you Raburn! 

In Lieu of a Recap, Here's Ryan!

He's like Dear Abby only with worse routes!

At the time of me writing this the Tigers are down 2-0. We now go to R-O-D favorite, Ryan Raburn, who will answer our mailbag.

Letter 1:

Dear Ryan,

I am a blind person but from everything I've heard, you are a terrible fielder. I figure that if you are in the majors with two working eyes, I could get into the majors too! What advice would you give me for not making a fool of myself. Sincerely, Melvin Keller.

-HI Melvin! I am Ryan Raburn! I got lost in my house trying to find a pen and instead broke a lamp. I suggest you get a dog to help you in the outfield. I also recommend insurance because a face is not used to break a fall; I learned this from experience! 

Letter 2:
Dear Rayburn,
How do you still have a job? Wondering in Wheeling.

-Hi Wheeling! I am still employed because of my incredible batting prowess post all star break! I also make a mean souffle and always get skip some smokes and Twinkies on road trips! It also helps to have pictures of our GM burying dead "entertainers" in the Upper Peninsula. Would you rather have my robust .200 average or some dork who thinks he's Harry Potter? I know my vote!

Letter 3:
Dear Ryan,
How did you get picked off at third tonight? Really, how? Can you not run in a straight line? From Infuriated in Indiana.

-Hi Indiana! I would be much obliged if you did not make fun of my crippling illness. Straight lines scare me, like baseballs and making contact with baseballs. I have a rare condition known as "cantdoanythingrightitis". Only me and some guy named Chone Figgins have this debilitating disease. Would you like some literature? I have some in my bitching van with Don Kelly painted on the side!

...thanks, Ryan? Whatever. Tigers probably lose this game. Be back tomorrow for a real crappy recap!

I Don't Even Know

Really, can someone tell me what the hell happened?

Holy crap! Utter pathetic performance gang poop deck destroyer. No, this doesn't deserve a recap. Screw you guys!

Split? What Do You Mean Split?

Pirates are just Mariners with more jewelry and scurvy.

With Felix El Rey on the hill, the Tigers had little room for error. At one point, behind a strong performance by Rick Porcello, the Tigers lead 2-0. Then bad things happened. The Mariners hit home runs. One was off Porcello (solo; Olivo), then one off Benoit (2-run; Olivo) and a final one off Wilk (2-run; Smoak).

7-3 is the final score. I blame the schools and an international Soviet conspiracy. I also blame Ryan Raburn just because he's my Tiger punching bag. Bad Raburn, bad! Really, how do you give up two home runs to Miguel Olivo? Did he threaten to beat you guys up after the game if you didn't? It is okay to tell me, you don't have to live in fear any more!

You'd think they'd get stuck on that sharp bottom.

On the bright side: no more games against the Mariners, who are dangerous thanks to their starting pitching. On the downside: no more games against the Mariners since I can see the M's vs. Tigers on ROOT Sports, which does a fine job of baseball broadcasting.

Horrible News! stop. Bats on Strike! stop. Ryan Raburn "forcing it". stop. Wait, what? stop.

Angry bat takes courageous pro-bat union stance!

Tonight the Tigers bats tried to unionize, after games and games of being abused. Being used to hit balls and generate "offense", the Tiger bats decided that this intolerable behavior must stop... well, every bat except Ryan Raburn's bats. Those things have never touched a ball, ever, because he's "forcing it" - where it is sucking and forcing is always.

Tigers drop a 4th, count it, 4th game during the R-O-D's existence. This is unacceptable! Bad Tigers! BAD!

Oh Joba...

Joba in happier times. (Drawn on 1/10000th scale)

Looks like the Wonderful World of Joba Eats Anything CC Has Leftover in His Jowels is over. Alas, Joba, we hardly knew ye. Please don't eat New Jersey in your grief spiral... wait, on second thought, eat New Jersey and Massachusetts!

ENTER THE ERRANT TOSS WIZARD!

Don Kelly - ERRANT TOSS WIZARD showing off his skillz.

What else can I say but: FIRE EVERYONE! THIS LOSS IS UNACCEPTABLE AND YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELVES! RWAR! TRADE PHIL COKE FOR ALBERT PUJOLS AND DRIVING LESSONS FROM TONY LARUSSA! TRADE CALE IORG FOR DAVID WRIGHT AND JOSE REYES! COKE TO THE BULLPEN! RABBLE, RABBLE, RABBLE!

...er excuse me; I caught a case of the stupids right there. Phil Coke paid the price for errors, notably: Don Kelly, ERRANT TOSS WIZARD, and his 2 run error in a 4 run inning. 

Enrique Gonzalez, ladies and gents!

Then Enrique "White Flag II" Gonzalez came in and didn't stink as badly as Brad Thomas's right handed Latino doppelganger usually does. The Tigers made it interesting in the 9th with a few more runs but fall to Tejas 7-3. Oh, and Ryan Raburn managed a pinch hit strike out. Consistency!

I would be remiss if I did not remember to award The R-O-D's most coveted (read: only) award: The Blue Plate Special, which is awarded to Excellence in the Field of Excrement. Tonight's award was a close one, with 1 time BPS winner, Ryan Raburn, striking his way out after our second nominee, Don Kelly - AWARD NOMINEE WIZARD, made his strong case in the 3rd and winner is...

The R-O-D BPS!

DON KELLY - BPS EXCELLENCE IN THE FIELD OF EXCREMENT AWARD WINNING WIZARD! Thank you, Don, for helping Phil Coke lose this game! Until next time you cantankerous kitties! Oh, and the score has been corrected. I suddenly thought Detroit scored a 4th run, silly me!