EVIL DPS!

These guys are from the bad side of town.

Thanks a ton, Tigers. All them DPs and all them ways to not score. Thanks guys!

I Hear New York Holds is All the Rage!

BASEBALL NO LIKE TIGERS! TIGERS SMELL LIKE DESPAIR!

Today looked like a day where the Tigers may find a way to overcome adversity, their slumping bats and their off field turmoil. Against the Yankees, in New York, the Tigers looked to like a team that was going to win in spite of themselves.

Of course this is not a movie and everything went to utter shit.

Don Kelly made an error and run 5 scored because of said error. Benoit still can't shut down folks in the 8th inning and Brayan Villareal then elected to throw a ball that Alex Avila let go, bringing in the winning run. Sure, Verlander allowed two home runs and 5 runs scored (4 earned).

Still, the lead should have held up. Instead the Tigers end up with their 5th straight loss and have lost 7 out of their last 8. Additionally Delmon Young says something stupid and gets an assault charge, Brandon Inge is released and the fan base is in a tizzy.

What can be done? Nothing - things have to right themselves. Eldred had a decent night for a call up and, well, there were hits. Sure, runners were stranded but the Tigers were hitting. I want to wring my hands and get really frustrated but there comes a point where you just have to say maalesh - it's nothing, it doesn't matter. Why would I tell you to say this arabic word? Because this blip does not matter in the grand scheme of the season or the grand scheme of anything - this is just turmoil. Every endeavor has something like this and the less panic that happens the better.

The Tigers are a talented ball club and will come around or make moves that can help should they be called for considering the circumstances. Fister will return, our 5th starter will be a 5th starter, Don Kelly will still be a Wizard and the Wonderbus & Thunderbus will rumble down the interstate striking fear in the hearts of opposing pitchers. The Tigers are a good team and even good teams have downs during a baseball season. 162 games has a way of evening most things out. That evening out is why good teams win close to 90 games and great teams close in on 100.

I'd like to end this entry with one thing: thank you Brandon Inge for your years of community service and adorkable antics.

The Hot, Sexy Kissing Booth - signing off.

Purcey and the Magical Testicle Tree!

Dude, I think you need to see a doctor about all your balls!

One day, David Purcey wanted to get himself some testicles. "My word," said David, "I would love to have some balls!". A mischievous little wish granting creature appeared out of nowhere, looking sort of like a rat with wings, or Nick Punto, those things are interchangible. Anyhow, Purcey got his balls but ended up spilling them everywhere tonight against the Oakland A's. What the hell, dude? 12 balls and 4 strikes? That's awful. That wish thing should have choked you to death for being bad at baseball. We traded a middling midfielder for this garbage? Ah well, I bet he has a good club house personality.

Thanks to Purcey the Tigers ended up losing. Screw you! Also, the Tigers traded for a Kansas City Betemit and Inge was DFA'd. Ta-da!

Now looking to kiss Detroit good-bye!

Boo This Man!

Hawk? More like Suwk.

Tigers lose to the giant piles of crap that play in a tiny little breadbox. I hate the All Star Game.

At the Tone Prepare to Hochevar!

I wonder what I ate that is both olive and regular green with orange bits.

Tonight I probably won't see what the score was but I hate losing to KC. Win, damn it, win!

I Want to Fire the Bullpen Out of a Cannon.

Stop sucking.

Really? I Mean, Really?

In Lieu of a Recap, Here's Ryan!

He's like Dear Abby only with worse routes!

At the time of me writing this the Tigers are down 2-0. We now go to R-O-D favorite, Ryan Raburn, who will answer our mailbag.

Letter 1:

Dear Ryan,

I am a blind person but from everything I've heard, you are a terrible fielder. I figure that if you are in the majors with two working eyes, I could get into the majors too! What advice would you give me for not making a fool of myself. Sincerely, Melvin Keller.

-HI Melvin! I am Ryan Raburn! I got lost in my house trying to find a pen and instead broke a lamp. I suggest you get a dog to help you in the outfield. I also recommend insurance because a face is not used to break a fall; I learned this from experience! 

Letter 2:
Dear Rayburn,
How do you still have a job? Wondering in Wheeling.

-Hi Wheeling! I am still employed because of my incredible batting prowess post all star break! I also make a mean souffle and always get skip some smokes and Twinkies on road trips! It also helps to have pictures of our GM burying dead "entertainers" in the Upper Peninsula. Would you rather have my robust .200 average or some dork who thinks he's Harry Potter? I know my vote!

Letter 3:
Dear Ryan,
How did you get picked off at third tonight? Really, how? Can you not run in a straight line? From Infuriated in Indiana.

-Hi Indiana! I would be much obliged if you did not make fun of my crippling illness. Straight lines scare me, like baseballs and making contact with baseballs. I have a rare condition known as "cantdoanythingrightitis". Only me and some guy named Chone Figgins have this debilitating disease. Would you like some literature? I have some in my bitching van with Don Kelly painted on the side!

...thanks, Ryan? Whatever. Tigers probably lose this game. Be back tomorrow for a real crappy recap!

The Devil, You Say?

Also the title to the little known sequel to Peyton Place!

Detroit is blowing at interleague play. If that isn't a reason to end this idiotic practice, well, then you are a poop head. I hate interleague play. I don't care about National League teams. Screw those guys and their uh, National Leagueness.

PS: Let's burn down The Windmill.

I Don't Even Know

Really, can someone tell me what the hell happened?

Holy crap! Utter pathetic performance gang poop deck destroyer. No, this doesn't deserve a recap. Screw you guys!