A Second Set of Verbal Victuals

No set schedule means that I will procrastinate, but two out of infinity isn't significant!

Here you go, the Art of a Mistake episode 2: The Art of a Mistake Ep. 2

I swear I won't just talk about video games.

2012 in an MSPaint Nutshell

Those wheels look unsafe at any speed... plus at that angle it looks like this is going to hurt.

So the Tigers managed to get swept by the Royals, sweep the White Sox, and finish up losing 2 out of 3 against the Cleveland Indians. Seriously? I've had random die generators more consistent than this team. Mind you, the Tigers are still in every hunt necessary but watching them find new, exciting (read: not exciting) ways to lose baseball games (offensive lapses in more ways than one) is annoying.

See, I do not like rollercoasters. I am not a big fan of amusement parks or rides or people. All three tend to congregate at those rollercoaster things or you find them in amusement parks and people are something something.

I would genuinely be appreciative if you, Detroit Tigers, would drive a can of corn collectively in the "hearts" (in theory Chi-Sox fans have hearts... in theory) of the White Sox's dreams of playoff promised land. That would make my minute or day or something.

Oh, and thank you for bringing back my two favorite comedians: Don Kelly and Ryan Raburn. This blog would be less interesting without those two (from zero to negative interesting in 2 demotions flat)!

What, me worry?

Now is not the time to let silly things like letting the Royals use your team as a punching bag derail the root-choo train!

The White Sox and Tigers are fighting for first. Let's hope for a Detroit sweep. I don't have anything funny to add.

Off Days Aren't Supposed to Be Tumultuous!

RWAR! Baseball well drawn and crappily drawn hearts with equal glee!

May 3rd could be the last day in Mariano Rivera's storied career. Those that have talked with me know I think closers are unnecessary and, quite frankly, your best reliever should be pitching in your highest leverage situation and not with 0 on in the 9th inning of a game. There are always exceptions to situations and Mariano Rivera is... was, that exception. 

Rivera's cut fastball is devastatingly effective and since he threw it almost exclusively, probably the greatest pitch in baseball history. Well, he just tore his ACL and was considering retirement already. Considering how awful of a knee injury a torn ACL is and his age, Rivera is most likely done forever. Despite hating the New York Yankees, their fan base, the media investment in anything New York, Nick Swisher, the ludicrously short porch in right and anything to do with Jeter, Rivera was ok (if he wasn't shutting the door on your team).

The last active 42 is gone, for 2012 and perhaps ever. Mark Texiera's quote sums up how I feel about baseball: “I told you this game is cruel before the game". Magglio Ordonez knows what it is like to leave on an injury, to relate this to the Tigers. Some struggle through the pain of trying to get near their pre-injury levels, gnashing their teeth and clawing to come close to competing in the apex of their field. All the while whispers of "will they make it" or "what might have been" slip through the lips of everyone - questions that have escaped the minds of those who watch and wonder.

Players do not get to choose when their playing days are over - either management or their bodies make that decision. Baseball is a game centered around failure, centered around waiting and centered around hope. The game of baseball is cruel, teasing you in the spring with promises of blue skied springs, lazy summer days and golden trophies in early fall. Most years the skies are overcast or blistering but bearable because of The Game. When the ticklish fingers of Fall begin to chill our Game leaves. Sometimes I wonder why I put myself through this, year after year. Why do I love The Game so much? Why do I willingly expose myself to an irrational hurt? When my team wins I feel good for a few moments but would not doing some exercise or self improvement provide a more lasting high? 

Why do I do it? Because I have a memory and The Game has a memory. Mariano Rivera, the man, may have been felled but Mariano Rivera the Closer - he will never be touched. The Closer will remain a folk tale that will live on longer than you or I. Just like Magglio Ordonez's home run in Game 4 of the ALDS, the performance of "The Hackman" for the Giants in the NLCS, like Buck Leonard and Bob Gibson.

All things end but sometimes that ending is just a beginning.

I Hear New York Holds is All the Rage!

BASEBALL NO LIKE TIGERS! TIGERS SMELL LIKE DESPAIR!

Today looked like a day where the Tigers may find a way to overcome adversity, their slumping bats and their off field turmoil. Against the Yankees, in New York, the Tigers looked to like a team that was going to win in spite of themselves.

Of course this is not a movie and everything went to utter shit.

Don Kelly made an error and run 5 scored because of said error. Benoit still can't shut down folks in the 8th inning and Brayan Villareal then elected to throw a ball that Alex Avila let go, bringing in the winning run. Sure, Verlander allowed two home runs and 5 runs scored (4 earned).

Still, the lead should have held up. Instead the Tigers end up with their 5th straight loss and have lost 7 out of their last 8. Additionally Delmon Young says something stupid and gets an assault charge, Brandon Inge is released and the fan base is in a tizzy.

What can be done? Nothing - things have to right themselves. Eldred had a decent night for a call up and, well, there were hits. Sure, runners were stranded but the Tigers were hitting. I want to wring my hands and get really frustrated but there comes a point where you just have to say maalesh - it's nothing, it doesn't matter. Why would I tell you to say this arabic word? Because this blip does not matter in the grand scheme of the season or the grand scheme of anything - this is just turmoil. Every endeavor has something like this and the less panic that happens the better.

The Tigers are a talented ball club and will come around or make moves that can help should they be called for considering the circumstances. Fister will return, our 5th starter will be a 5th starter, Don Kelly will still be a Wizard and the Wonderbus & Thunderbus will rumble down the interstate striking fear in the hearts of opposing pitchers. The Tigers are a good team and even good teams have downs during a baseball season. 162 games has a way of evening most things out. That evening out is why good teams win close to 90 games and great teams close in on 100.

I'd like to end this entry with one thing: thank you Brandon Inge for your years of community service and adorkable antics.

The Hot, Sexy Kissing Booth - signing off.

Whelp, That Series Was Awful.

Rare first edition rookie card of the newest R-O-D sensation - Street Pizza!

The Tigers dropped the 4 game to the Rangers via a horrible call by an umpire. Rather than dwell on this terrible tun of events I am going to show off a rare collector's card of the hottest free agent ever - Street Pizza, dead cat LF extraordinaire!

I expect the Tigers to try to bid for Street Pizza's services but they'd better back up the Brinks if they want this amazing talent!

A Little Love Can Make the Hardest Things Go Smoothly

Enter the Fist! aka In Fist We Trust! aka FISTING FOR VICTOLY!

Doug Fister is a sentimental favorite of mine from the Seattle Mariners. When I heard that the Tigers had acquired Fister, I was very excited. First off, his last name is Fister! Secondly, Fister works very hard and eats innings. Third: Fister just seems like a necessary cog every winning team needs (workhorse, solid back end of the rotation fella).

The problem with Fister is he rarely had any runs scored for him (I believe somewhere in the range of 2.5 runs a game). Well, fear not, dear Fister! The roaring Tigers army has brought its bats to your party. Fister served in 7 innings and gave Detroit's iffy bullpen some help. How did Doug Fister do this? I have secret inside information on the creature that helped Fister come to Detroit! 

The New GM of the Detroit Tigers!

Clippy is now Doug Fister's bestest friend and Clippy is now 2 for 2 in the advice column!

An Old Friend Helps David Purcey and David Dombrowski

This is a Feature I Believe is Long Overdue in Baseball '11!

Often maligned, much hated and misunderstood, our friend Clippy has found a new job courtesy of David Dombrowski and the Tigers front office. After David Purcey had managed to figure out a way from going from suck to blow and forgetting what a strike was, it became apparent that a solution was needed. Luckily for us all, Clippy had the answer! Now Purcey has been Ctrl + Alt + DFA'd we can all hope for better and brighter days. Have a Mac? I probably hate you.

This Creature Wants to Eat You!

Also: Brennan Boesch, who's scary visage I butchered to the right, hit a game winning home run in the rain or something. Tigers beat Tejas 6-5! Huzzah!

Where in the World is the R-O-D

INACCURATE GLOBE!

The R-O-D has been s-w-a-m-p-e-d thanks to working the evenings on the PT (that's the best coast for you swine on the least). What that means is I miss every single baseball game known to man and I have quite a few hobbies so the R-O-D fell by the wayside. Never fear, gadget fans, the R-O-D is back.

This week featured vomiting and losing to the White Sox, Brad Penny showing he's a dickbag and Jim Leyland thinking: hey, what if we do this instead of that?

Anyhow, free David Purcey... from the Earth and launch him into the sun.

Really? I Mean, Really?

The Worst Pro-Avila Creation, Bar None.

Vote Alex Avila so I can later remove this travesty of justice.

I was listening to some OMD when I was suddenly inspired to make this horrible thing. Don't make me leave it up because it will remain up if the 2 readers of the R-O-D don't vote Alex Avila as all star catcher. I voted, and I hate the all star game.

14 is a Magic Number.

I'd be upset if that last K wasn't so adorable.

When I was a kid I loved the heck out of School House Rock. Learning about the life of a Congressional bill, conjunctions and knife fighting through cartoons and songs. My favorite lesson, though, was how 3 was a number filled with power and blessings from the dark gods.

This seemed to ring true for most of my adult life. Menage-a-trois, triple bacon cheeseburgers, 3 dog nights, 3 card monte, 3 paternity suits, 3 Men and a Baby (and it's obviously awesome sequel: 3 Men and a Little Lady). Each one of those things more magical than a mere 2 or 4. Tonight, I learned something. 14 is the real magic number.

Justin Verlander struck out 14 Snakes and basically treated the Arizona baseball club as if they were his personal punching bag. Nothing more needs to be said about this game. This was Justin Verlander's ball game and we were privileged to get to see him do his thing. Enjoy his career, Tigers fans, JV is the greatest hurler to ever wear an Olde English D.

Oh, and Ryan Raburn still stinks.

Off Day Procrastination: ASK RYAN - The New Class!

OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Hi kids! It's me, your pal Ryan Raburn! I am not playing baseball so I decided to answer more of your questions! People sure are mean to me. I mean, I may not be the best baseball player in the world, but golly gee-willickers, I'm a major league baseball player! I hit a grand slam the other day and nearly didn't get picked off at third base. Like I always say: teach a man to walk in a straight line, make him somewhat capable. But lead a man off third by about a mile and that man will never be forgotten! Let's answer some questions.

Hey, Reighbourne! Why do you have my picture on your van? Don Kelly - MAILBAG WIZARD!

Hi Don! Wizards are supposed to be on the sides of vans, duh! Except those Hairy Pothead guys. Pot is bad! You know what else is bad? People who boo me after I strike out! I only tried it once with Bobby Higginson when it was Bum Night in Comerica. I said I was sorry!

Dear Ryan,

I hate you. Please change your last name.

Your mother.

Hi mom! Why don't you return my phone calls? Is it because I ran over your dog while trying to navigate the closet. I said I was sorry!

Mr. Raburn,

My name is Nick Punto... er, Pick Nunto. I wish I were as tall as you. I drink my vitamins and take my milk, but I am still just a rat in a human boy's body. I can somewhat field a baseball and Satan disavows my existence. Tell me, what can I do to be as loathed as you. 

Your bestest pal: Nick Punto... er Don Kelly - NOT NICK PUNTO WIZARD

Hi Don! Why won't you return my phone calls? Is it because I called you Josh Wilson? I said I was sorry!

If this van's a rocking, it means a man is openly weeping inside.

Well, kids, it is time for me to get in my van and go to the magical world of mediocrity! Bye for now!

Afternoon Delight

The Tigers beat the Dodgers in an afternoon game that maybe 30 people saw. That's 89 more people than the total attendance for the Tampa Bay Rays in the month of June! The Tigers get the old star and trident Mariners' logo for their efforts! Good job (see me after class because you've stunk most of the time).

The M's should go back to this logo.

A Magical Finish!

Don Kelly - FIRST PLACE WIZARD, has climbed the poop mountain!

As the Ho-Down in Tiger Town comes to a close, let us remember that Don Kelly - FIRST PLACE WIZARD and The R-O-D are 13-6. I didn't watch this game but I figure our WIZARD cast some spells and was almost scrappy. I also imagine Cleveland having large, open sores and radioactive breath.

Terrible, terrible Clevelanditis. I believe it is like gingivitis only it affects the butt. Tigers win 6-2 and are back to sole possession of first. YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Don Kelly - YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH WIZARD!

Strutting on the Ritz!

This is what it's like, when Coke cries.

What does Phil Coke gotta do to win a game? Nothing! He's pitched decently more often than not but those terrible, oft striking bats don't like him. They give him No Run Support and those darned Cats with Bats are more like noruns4lyfe rather than Detroit4Lyfe. Sometimes, though, the Roar of the Tigers cannot be stopped and the Tigers can find a way to win 2 to 1 on a walk off extra base hit from Ramon Santiago. Bless You Boys, as Ackerman would say sarcastically.

Coke deserved a win but Joaquin on Sunshine (sunshine is code for crack) decided that was too good of a decision for Phil and sabotaged poor Cokey. Ramon "DAN'JUSS" Santiago said: no, we ain't losing just because our weird 8th inning dude screwed up! I gots you all!

He's a bad mamma jamma!

You don't mess with the Ramon, dig? The R-O-D provides another victory. 11-5, muchachos. Believe, mother hubbards! Still tied for first and them Naughty Logos is coming to town. Dig it!

Scabs Aren't Just for Picking Any More!

Let's all go to the lobby, and betray our fellow bats!

Batman didn't comment.

Yesterday the Tiger bats refused to work, except Victor Martinez's big business supporting bat. Today, other bats crossed the picket line, hurting the valiant bats who only wish to organize in order to prevent management from dictating more favorable to management terms.

Just pretend it was 1 instead of 1.5.

A preliminary agreement ended up being reached, though, avoiding long term work stoppage, until the bats want hats (help keep bats warm, muchos gracias). The Mariners felt the rage of the bat parade and the Tigers climbed into a first place tie with the utterly believable Cleveland Naughty Logos.

DON KELLY - RBI WIZARD + DEFENSE!

Don Kelly, BASEBALL PLAYING WIZARD had some good defense tonight and actually hit! Look at the fierce and determined Kelly! His Wizard hat has magical powers that allow him to play baseball at a not Ryan Raburn crappy level sometimes. How long this will last is unknown but enjoy the ride. One last game against the M's left then the Tigers don't have to see King Felix, Prince Pineda, Zombie Bedard, Fister the Fisting Fist ever again this season... unless it is in the playoffs! Tigers win8-1! Tigers are now 10-4 during The R-O-D's glorious existence. You're welcome, Detroit fans; you're welcome.

Will the Streak Continue?

The Rather Quite Angry Cloud!

While today's game related post/sarcastic commentary will go on as scheduled, tomorrow's may actually miss being on time. Actual important appointment whatitswhoits and intermittent tomfoolery are on the agenda for Thursday.

The Minnesota Kave Kubel.

So I leave you with our friend, the Rather Quite Angry Cloud and an even older MS PAINT picture of Jason Kubel in his natural habitat.

Do not cry for me, Argentina, I am not a war criminal hiding out inside your glorious borders, enjoying hot Argentinian lay-deez. Really, I am not so stop asking. Don't make me move to Latvia because I am too hot a celebrity there and would rather stay out of their scandal rags.

Brandon Inge's Hot,Sexy Kissing Booth!

Since Brandon Inge is on the DL, he has had to start selling hot, sexy, mono filled kisses!

The ROD has learned Brandon Inge has mononucleosis. The ROD has also learned how to spell mononucleosis. The ROD has also just lied about learning how to spell mononucleosis and looked it up via Google search. The ROD is also writing about itself in the 3rd person.

Getting back to the hot, sexy point: Brandon Inge is on the disabled list and now must resort to other means to appease his fanatics. Hot, sexy desperation tactics! Yeah! Wait... I don't get it.