2012 in an MSPaint Nutshell

Those wheels look unsafe at any speed... plus at that angle it looks like this is going to hurt.

So the Tigers managed to get swept by the Royals, sweep the White Sox, and finish up losing 2 out of 3 against the Cleveland Indians. Seriously? I've had random die generators more consistent than this team. Mind you, the Tigers are still in every hunt necessary but watching them find new, exciting (read: not exciting) ways to lose baseball games (offensive lapses in more ways than one) is annoying.

See, I do not like rollercoasters. I am not a big fan of amusement parks or rides or people. All three tend to congregate at those rollercoaster things or you find them in amusement parks and people are something something.

I would genuinely be appreciative if you, Detroit Tigers, would drive a can of corn collectively in the "hearts" (in theory Chi-Sox fans have hearts... in theory) of the White Sox's dreams of playoff promised land. That would make my minute or day or something.

Oh, and thank you for bringing back my two favorite comedians: Don Kelly and Ryan Raburn. This blog would be less interesting without those two (from zero to negative interesting in 2 demotions flat)!

The Return of the Return of The R-O-D!

A tragedy in several terrible, atrocious acts (of "hitting").

The rumors of the R-O-D's demise were almost entirely accurate. Currently the Boys with the Olde English D are sucking wind in Chicago. However, Ryan Raburn (The R-O-D's new spirit animal) has realized that Spring Training is baseball and knows that he sucks at baseball.

Currently, in the 5th the Tigers lead 2-0... they'd better win with or without Le Raburn!

I Set This Update for the 18th by Mistake!

A Wizard's Hat!

Today the Tigers staved off a sweep via remembering that scoring runs is not a rude thing for host baseball teams to do. Amazingly, Carlos "Soon to be Back on the DL" Guillen proved that even though he is mostly a cripple, he is still better than Ryan Raburn! No, Ryan, I won't take that back!

Anyhow, work has made the R-O-D less impressive but we will soldier on! Some other team plays the Tigers. Let's hope the striped heroes don't forget to bring their bats!

Hi Kids! Do You Like Losing

0 No!

The Tigers were shut out and Hawk didn't cram it. Seriously, the second half swan song is greatly exaggerated but, Tigers, you don't make it easy to love you. Don't make me watch the M's!

Boo This Man!

Hawk? More like Suwk.

Tigers lose to the giant piles of crap that play in a tiny little breadbox. I hate the All Star Game.

Groinaclysm!

Throw, catch or hit, Ryan. You get one.

Jake Peavy gave up 6 runs on 3 hits in the fourth inning. The big blow? A grand slam by Ryan "Reliant K" Raburn. Was this the at bat that turned the page for Raburn? Are we going to finally see the hitter Raburn can be? Well, no, he remembered he was Ryan Raburn and struck out in his next at bat but he did get his pick one selection right!

Hawk bitched and moaned through out the game, people complained about Hawk being terrible. The White Sox lost and Peavy hurt his groin. Personally, I think Peavy just drank himself to death from giving up a grand slam to Ryan Raburn. 

This picture has no reason being here!

Anyhow, the Tigers have climbed to 2.5 games out of first place (and 6-2 during the ROD's existence), behind the completely legitimate; utterly undoubtable and beyond reproach (not really) Cleveland We Support Racial Caricatures Baseball Club (henceforth known as the Cleveland Naughty Logos).

Have I told you how much I dislike Hawk? Really, the guy was an unremarkable player, a terrible GM and is a festering, pus filled boil on the anus of baseball announcing. From his stupid little expressions to his over the top homerism, Hawk deserves to be subjected to a fire hose or at least have his mouth taped shut.

I can't draw a hawk so I drew Hawk as a duck!

Just look at that pudwacker! He screams guy who probably goes into alleys looking for smack to take before he gets into autoerotic asphixiation! ...or not. Either way, I can't wait until "he gone" from the announce booth.

Oh! I almost forgot, Don Kelly - NOT DRAWN THIS TIME AROUND WIZARD, had some nice diving stops tonight. Good for you, Wiz!

All Hail the Wonder Bus!

It's like the Venga Bus only it's filled with less creepy old guys falling apart and doesn't head to 6 Flags Over Texas!

Tonight the Tigers scored 2 runs off of a Brennan Boesch home run then decided scoring runs was an unfriendly thing for a group of visitors to do and proceeded to leave people on the lily white bases to ensure that the home town Chicago Worst Sox did not feel bad about themselves.

Meanwhile, Justin Verlander was having none of these Worst Sox. Verlander was mowing down batters like he was a kid on summer vacation trying to get money by mowing lawns for blow or heroin or what ever kids these days are into using money to purchase. Yu-gi-oh? Beyblade? Abortions? Well, anyhow, Verlander made a mistake and some guy in an ugly black uniform who is ugly and from Chicago which has ugly fans hit a 2 run home run out of their bread band box stadium tied up the game in ugly fashion.

The Tigers decided scoring was bad and continued to think Ryan Raburn is worth something by allowing his continued corpse to fester and stink up the line up. When times are rough and The Cleaner (Austin Jackson) hits a lead off triple, leave it to the Tigers to need the Wonder Bus (Miguel Cabrera) to take them on a ride to VICTOLYville (population: zero Hawk Harrelsons). Tigers win 4-2 and this win seemed important, real important. Also: I hate Hawk. Someone shove a can of corn down his beak hole!

Hell is on the right FYI.

US Cellular Field is too small. I drew it to scale but had to make real baseball parks smaller to show just how small it is compared to real parks! 

Worst Sox Take Advantage of Struggling Young Hot Hen Who Has Never Felt the Touch of a Strike Zone

Confession: I have never watched all of the "Graduate".

 Tonight the Tigers sent young starting pitcher Andy "Hot Hen" Oliver to the mound against the Chicago Worst Sox. Of course Oliver, being a young man with relatively little experience with major league strike zones, showed signs of being nervous.

Andy just doesn't have the wherewithal to handle such hot, hot, hot K-Zone action. In fact, Andy was so flummoxed he ran away from the inviting, enticing, erotic strike zone and into the arms of the nasty, boorish walk zone.

Andy also forgot you can have a force out at home and combined with a 3 run home run he gave up, he had the Tigers down 4-0. Mercifully Andy was removed for another kid but one who has been around the block a few times. Chuck Furbush was born under a bad sign. Furry never had nothing given to him and was a street wise punk beyond his years. Though he gave up a home run, Furbush didn't act like this was his sweet, innocent prom date. Furry went after that strike zone like someone who goes after things or something, I dunno, but he did his job.

The Tigers closed within 1 run then Juan Pierre hit a home run (3rd of his career) off of Enrique "Bradrique Thomasez" Gonzalez. Tigers lose 6-4. The Tigers also attempted 2 horrible stolen bases and Ryan Raburn almost looked like a bench player! So far this series is off to a bad start and the ROD falls to 4-2 on the season (screw you Hot Hen)!

For reading all of this, you can have an AJ toilet monster:

RWAR~! Me eat poo and act like colostomy bag in more ways than one!