A Little Love Can Make the Hardest Things Go Smoothly

Enter the Fist! aka In Fist We Trust! aka FISTING FOR VICTOLY!

Doug Fister is a sentimental favorite of mine from the Seattle Mariners. When I heard that the Tigers had acquired Fister, I was very excited. First off, his last name is Fister! Secondly, Fister works very hard and eats innings. Third: Fister just seems like a necessary cog every winning team needs (workhorse, solid back end of the rotation fella).

The problem with Fister is he rarely had any runs scored for him (I believe somewhere in the range of 2.5 runs a game). Well, fear not, dear Fister! The roaring Tigers army has brought its bats to your party. Fister served in 7 innings and gave Detroit's iffy bullpen some help. How did Doug Fister do this? I have secret inside information on the creature that helped Fister come to Detroit! 

The New GM of the Detroit Tigers!

Clippy is now Doug Fister's bestest friend and Clippy is now 2 for 2 in the advice column!

Purcey and the Magical Testicle Tree!

Dude, I think you need to see a doctor about all your balls!

One day, David Purcey wanted to get himself some testicles. "My word," said David, "I would love to have some balls!". A mischievous little wish granting creature appeared out of nowhere, looking sort of like a rat with wings, or Nick Punto, those things are interchangible. Anyhow, Purcey got his balls but ended up spilling them everywhere tonight against the Oakland A's. What the hell, dude? 12 balls and 4 strikes? That's awful. That wish thing should have choked you to death for being bad at baseball. We traded a middling midfielder for this garbage? Ah well, I bet he has a good club house personality.

Thanks to Purcey the Tigers ended up losing. Screw you! Also, the Tigers traded for a Kansas City Betemit and Inge was DFA'd. Ta-da!

Now looking to kiss Detroit good-bye!

Umpires at the Apollo

BOO THESE MEN!

So, once again, piles of filth like Joe West and Angel Hernandez decide to make a baseball game about them, ignoring rules and common sense just to act like petulant children. Well, I hate you two. I hope MLB finally starts to fire and/or sanction bulbous sores on its ass like you two sooner rather than later. Hernandez is terrible and Joe West is his ass pimple amigo.

These two must be put out to pasture. Yet, the Tigers main fault was their inability to actually hit (yet again). That's 2 runs in 18 innings. Stop blowing.

The Tragic Tumultuous Times of Ryan Raburn.

Yin and Yang, Good and Evil, Not Good and Not Good, Ryan Raburn and Don Kelly.

Brad Penny had a good game today. Sure he allowed 2 runs, in toto, but that's called a quality start people. The Tigers bats had managed 1 run courtesy of a Jhonny Peralta of the H Clan. Then, then skip realized the error of his ways.

With a crucial at bat coming up (or something), Leyland realized his only hope was magic. While Ryan Raburn sought redemption for being stinky (as usual), Leyland wanted to win the game, for Sparky and because winning is what you're supposed to want to do anyhow. Instead of Reliant K, Ole Jim went with Don Kelly - PINCH HITTING WIZARD. Lo and behold, the Tigers were rewarded.

The above comic tells the story. Tigers win, Wizards win, Raburn loses. 8-3 is the final! Good times.

The Devil, You Say?

Also the title to the little known sequel to Peyton Place!

Detroit is blowing at interleague play. If that isn't a reason to end this idiotic practice, well, then you are a poop head. I hate interleague play. I don't care about National League teams. Screw those guys and their uh, National Leagueness.

PS: Let's burn down The Windmill.

A Magical Finish!

Don Kelly - FIRST PLACE WIZARD, has climbed the poop mountain!

As the Ho-Down in Tiger Town comes to a close, let us remember that Don Kelly - FIRST PLACE WIZARD and The R-O-D are 13-6. I didn't watch this game but I figure our WIZARD cast some spells and was almost scrappy. I also imagine Cleveland having large, open sores and radioactive breath.

Terrible, terrible Clevelanditis. I believe it is like gingivitis only it affects the butt. Tigers win 6-2 and are back to sole possession of first. YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Don Kelly - YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH WIZARD!