2012 in an MSPaint Nutshell

Those wheels look unsafe at any speed... plus at that angle it looks like this is going to hurt.

So the Tigers managed to get swept by the Royals, sweep the White Sox, and finish up losing 2 out of 3 against the Cleveland Indians. Seriously? I've had random die generators more consistent than this team. Mind you, the Tigers are still in every hunt necessary but watching them find new, exciting (read: not exciting) ways to lose baseball games (offensive lapses in more ways than one) is annoying.

See, I do not like rollercoasters. I am not a big fan of amusement parks or rides or people. All three tend to congregate at those rollercoaster things or you find them in amusement parks and people are something something.

I would genuinely be appreciative if you, Detroit Tigers, would drive a can of corn collectively in the "hearts" (in theory Chi-Sox fans have hearts... in theory) of the White Sox's dreams of playoff promised land. That would make my minute or day or something.

Oh, and thank you for bringing back my two favorite comedians: Don Kelly and Ryan Raburn. This blog would be less interesting without those two (from zero to negative interesting in 2 demotions flat)!

What, me worry?

Now is not the time to let silly things like letting the Royals use your team as a punching bag derail the root-choo train!

The White Sox and Tigers are fighting for first. Let's hope for a Detroit sweep. I don't have anything funny to add.

The R-O-D is present and accounted for in August... the Tigers? Well...

Horror. Horror has a face, and you must make a friend of horror. Horror and mortal terror are your friends. -  Kurtz 

I have no idea just what in the Sam Hill happened but I know crap when I see it and that game was crap. The Orioles take 2 out of 3 from the Tigers and that damned Bird just stares at me. The cold tendrils of the yawning abyss beckon.

On the plus side I had a very nice teriyaki chicken pizza!

Here's how losing feels!

EVIL DPS!

These guys are from the bad side of town.

Thanks a ton, Tigers. All them DPs and all them ways to not score. Thanks guys!

The Return of the Return of the Return of the R-O-D 2!

I'm out of practice... screw you!

The R-O-D is b-a-c-k and s-p-e-l-l-i-n-g every o-t-h-e-r word i-n this s-e-n-t-e-n-c-e! Aw yeah! Or should that be aw y-e-a-h? Forget it - let's talk about The Detroit Tigers!

The Tigers face off against the Baltimore Orioles this weekend and it is a battle of Wild Card Contenders. The Tigers took game one 5-3 thanks to 3 home runs (2 2 run home runs from Prince Fielder). I listened to the game on the radio and wondered just what the hell was going on. I missed every single home run that happened (4, I think) and then I came home and made this terrible thing.

However, this beats what I thought during the Yankees/Rangers games - when I wanted to beat the bullpen (and Teri-bal Sanchez) for their awful performances. (PS: MLivers, you can totally use Teri-bal!)

What is the point of this half asleep recap? There is no point. The Tigers won and maybe can stave off the soulless Oriole Bird's minions long enough to survive. That bird is scary!

Eyes are the Windows to the Soul Prison

Look at that thing! He is waiting, lusting for souls to devour. Ahhhhhhhhhhh! Fuck you, Oriole Bird! Go feed on misery and hopelessness in Cleveland (where it is a permanent resident).

PS: Chicago lost to Kansas City meaning the Tigers are back to being 1.5 games out of first place. Cram it Hawk!

Exit the Error Wizard

All Glove, Love sans Stick. 

Many things have happened in the two months that the R-O-D has been silent. A couple of folks returned, a top pitching prospect was traded, the Tigers offense went AWOL, Ryan Raburn continued to blow goat chunks. Wondrous and exiting developments abounded while the R-O-D's erstwhile curator elected to waste time doing things besides chronicling an odd obsession with terri-bad players.

What, dear R-O-D reader (Hi Mom!) could bring me back? Nothing but news of the untimely demise of Don Kelly - Error Wizard.

I remember writing a recrap on Bless You Boys about a baseball game. While I remember very little about that day in May (I think I was in Bogota fighting Hand agents about to spike the world's supply of Stiva or something), I do remember calling Don Kelly a Wizard. Despite my non-interest in Don Kelly, the nickname stuck. Don Kelly is not a talented batsman. He cannot really hit Major League pitching... but he was fun to watch. Don could field and he helped the Tigers win the 2011 American League Division Series.

Don Kelly was not much but he was a Wizard. I felt like I had to say something. I hope things work out for this guy I will never meet nor ever know. He provided me with entertainment and I made up a dumb nickname that folks liked for him. That has to be worth something.

Off Days Aren't Supposed to Be Tumultuous!

RWAR! Baseball well drawn and crappily drawn hearts with equal glee!

May 3rd could be the last day in Mariano Rivera's storied career. Those that have talked with me know I think closers are unnecessary and, quite frankly, your best reliever should be pitching in your highest leverage situation and not with 0 on in the 9th inning of a game. There are always exceptions to situations and Mariano Rivera is... was, that exception. 

Rivera's cut fastball is devastatingly effective and since he threw it almost exclusively, probably the greatest pitch in baseball history. Well, he just tore his ACL and was considering retirement already. Considering how awful of a knee injury a torn ACL is and his age, Rivera is most likely done forever. Despite hating the New York Yankees, their fan base, the media investment in anything New York, Nick Swisher, the ludicrously short porch in right and anything to do with Jeter, Rivera was ok (if he wasn't shutting the door on your team).

The last active 42 is gone, for 2012 and perhaps ever. Mark Texiera's quote sums up how I feel about baseball: “I told you this game is cruel before the game". Magglio Ordonez knows what it is like to leave on an injury, to relate this to the Tigers. Some struggle through the pain of trying to get near their pre-injury levels, gnashing their teeth and clawing to come close to competing in the apex of their field. All the while whispers of "will they make it" or "what might have been" slip through the lips of everyone - questions that have escaped the minds of those who watch and wonder.

Players do not get to choose when their playing days are over - either management or their bodies make that decision. Baseball is a game centered around failure, centered around waiting and centered around hope. The game of baseball is cruel, teasing you in the spring with promises of blue skied springs, lazy summer days and golden trophies in early fall. Most years the skies are overcast or blistering but bearable because of The Game. When the ticklish fingers of Fall begin to chill our Game leaves. Sometimes I wonder why I put myself through this, year after year. Why do I love The Game so much? Why do I willingly expose myself to an irrational hurt? When my team wins I feel good for a few moments but would not doing some exercise or self improvement provide a more lasting high? 

Why do I do it? Because I have a memory and The Game has a memory. Mariano Rivera, the man, may have been felled but Mariano Rivera the Closer - he will never be touched. The Closer will remain a folk tale that will live on longer than you or I. Just like Magglio Ordonez's home run in Game 4 of the ALDS, the performance of "The Hackman" for the Giants in the NLCS, like Buck Leonard and Bob Gibson.

All things end but sometimes that ending is just a beginning.