2012 in an MSPaint Nutshell

Those wheels look unsafe at any speed... plus at that angle it looks like this is going to hurt.

So the Tigers managed to get swept by the Royals, sweep the White Sox, and finish up losing 2 out of 3 against the Cleveland Indians. Seriously? I've had random die generators more consistent than this team. Mind you, the Tigers are still in every hunt necessary but watching them find new, exciting (read: not exciting) ways to lose baseball games (offensive lapses in more ways than one) is annoying.

See, I do not like rollercoasters. I am not a big fan of amusement parks or rides or people. All three tend to congregate at those rollercoaster things or you find them in amusement parks and people are something something.

I would genuinely be appreciative if you, Detroit Tigers, would drive a can of corn collectively in the "hearts" (in theory Chi-Sox fans have hearts... in theory) of the White Sox's dreams of playoff promised land. That would make my minute or day or something.

Oh, and thank you for bringing back my two favorite comedians: Don Kelly and Ryan Raburn. This blog would be less interesting without those two (from zero to negative interesting in 2 demotions flat)!

We're On a Mission from uh, Some Guy

Don Kelly - XING WIZARD redux!

Tigers win, Naughty Logos lose. Looks like we have a Forrest Dirks for lead off sighting on the radar. My work schedule precludes me from watching games so I just have to go on what I read. So far, I like where this is all going! Half a game behind the vile Clevelanders.

A Magical Finish!

Don Kelly - FIRST PLACE WIZARD, has climbed the poop mountain!

As the Ho-Down in Tiger Town comes to a close, let us remember that Don Kelly - FIRST PLACE WIZARD and The R-O-D are 13-6. I didn't watch this game but I figure our WIZARD cast some spells and was almost scrappy. I also imagine Cleveland having large, open sores and radioactive breath.

Terrible, terrible Clevelanditis. I believe it is like gingivitis only it affects the butt. Tigers win 6-2 and are back to sole possession of first. YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Don Kelly - YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH WIZARD!

Oh Boy! Tied for First Again!

This says it all.

The Face Off in the Fotor City? The Mexican Town Stand Off? What Ever You Call It, I Call It Dead Cleveland Tales.

We're trying! For our sake and the sake of all those people who hate you!

Tonight, Justin Verlander decided that the evil Cleveland Emp... hahahahaha! I can't even write that with a straight face. Verlander decimated the Naughty Logos, helping Cleveland revert back to the Sad Sack lifestyle they have grown accustom to: failure.

Is the ball coming towards him or leaving?

The Verlander-Day Industries holiday, Slaughter Cleveland Day, was celebrated by going 7.1 innings of no-hit ball and shutting out Cleveland on 2 total hits. A great celebration was had by all, except those of us who wanted Cleveland no hit.

Watching Justin pitch in 2011 has been nothing short of fantastical. Verlander has become a walking, breathing, sphere hurling Demi-God on the mound. His fiery breath and ability to right what once went wrong while attempting to avenge his father's death at the hand of the six fingered man is truly a modern day myth that everyone should learn. Tonight was the night that the Tigers claimed first place and said: "Nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah" to the Naughty Logos. Much fun was had by the whole world, which would collapse under itself should Cleveland accomplish a thing.

I ain't afraid of no multi-base hits!

On a sad note, the Tigers extra base hit streak has died. Backspasms were to blame. Damn you Grady Sizemore! DAMN YOU! 12 and 5, folks. The R-O-D means bidness!

Strutting on the Ritz!

This is what it's like, when Coke cries.

What does Phil Coke gotta do to win a game? Nothing! He's pitched decently more often than not but those terrible, oft striking bats don't like him. They give him No Run Support and those darned Cats with Bats are more like noruns4lyfe rather than Detroit4Lyfe. Sometimes, though, the Roar of the Tigers cannot be stopped and the Tigers can find a way to win 2 to 1 on a walk off extra base hit from Ramon Santiago. Bless You Boys, as Ackerman would say sarcastically.

Coke deserved a win but Joaquin on Sunshine (sunshine is code for crack) decided that was too good of a decision for Phil and sabotaged poor Cokey. Ramon "DAN'JUSS" Santiago said: no, we ain't losing just because our weird 8th inning dude screwed up! I gots you all!

He's a bad mamma jamma!

You don't mess with the Ramon, dig? The R-O-D provides another victory. 11-5, muchachos. Believe, mother hubbards! Still tied for first and them Naughty Logos is coming to town. Dig it!

Scabs Aren't Just for Picking Any More!

Let's all go to the lobby, and betray our fellow bats!

Batman didn't comment.

Yesterday the Tiger bats refused to work, except Victor Martinez's big business supporting bat. Today, other bats crossed the picket line, hurting the valiant bats who only wish to organize in order to prevent management from dictating more favorable to management terms.

Just pretend it was 1 instead of 1.5.

A preliminary agreement ended up being reached, though, avoiding long term work stoppage, until the bats want hats (help keep bats warm, muchos gracias). The Mariners felt the rage of the bat parade and the Tigers climbed into a first place tie with the utterly believable Cleveland Naughty Logos.

DON KELLY - RBI WIZARD + DEFENSE!

Don Kelly, BASEBALL PLAYING WIZARD had some good defense tonight and actually hit! Look at the fierce and determined Kelly! His Wizard hat has magical powers that allow him to play baseball at a not Ryan Raburn crappy level sometimes. How long this will last is unknown but enjoy the ride. One last game against the M's left then the Tigers don't have to see King Felix, Prince Pineda, Zombie Bedard, Fister the Fisting Fist ever again this season... unless it is in the playoffs! Tigers win8-1! Tigers are now 10-4 during The R-O-D's glorious existence. You're welcome, Detroit fans; you're welcome.

Ranjas Gots To Get Out The Way

Cleveland's naughty logo makes this image a little more awkward! Wizard X-ING!

Detroit continues its road warrior ways by running over the Rangers, again. Instead of drawing a Ranger, I drew a naughty logo. Why? Because Cleveland is feeling the hot, sexy breath of a Tigers team that is starting to remember there is a smattering of talent on the big club.

Rick Porcello pitched well for 5 innings and only gave up 1 in the 6th. Texas is hot so I think Rick lost 87 lbs through sweat tonight. The Tigers put together yet another set of hits and continued their extra base hit streak to every game they've played this season.

Another big piece of news is the Tigers slugged out 20 hits. 20. Holy moly! An 8-1 Tiger win just goes to show you the R-O-D does equal victory.

Maybe later I will draw a windmill to show what I think of Gene Lamont. All Lamont laments aside, the Tigers are 8-2 since the R-O-D came to be. Don't thank me, just believe!

Let's Bunt (Let's Bunt) Future Bunting Game!

13 runs! Goodness!

Everything that could go right for the Tigers did go right... well everything but Max Scherzer. Max has been awful lately but he shouldn't be sent down to Toledo. Really, those who are saying that need to stop having their heads up their butts.

Curiously, Ron Washington and Jim Leyland decided to play human chess tonight. The highlight? Don Kelly - DUTIFUL PLAYER WIZARD being asked to bunt Austin Jackson over to third, with a 4 run lead and zero outs.

Don Kelly - BUNTING WIZARD returns to the R-O-D!

That is the thought that will stay with me about this game. Not Boesch's amazing, 2HR, 5 RBI night. Not Furbush being good yet again. No, a sacrifice bunt. Pretty fly, I say! Oh, and the Tigers are 1.5 games behind the Naughty Logos. Hear those footsteps, suckas? It's time to rumble!

Groinaclysm!

Throw, catch or hit, Ryan. You get one.

Jake Peavy gave up 6 runs on 3 hits in the fourth inning. The big blow? A grand slam by Ryan "Reliant K" Raburn. Was this the at bat that turned the page for Raburn? Are we going to finally see the hitter Raburn can be? Well, no, he remembered he was Ryan Raburn and struck out in his next at bat but he did get his pick one selection right!

Hawk bitched and moaned through out the game, people complained about Hawk being terrible. The White Sox lost and Peavy hurt his groin. Personally, I think Peavy just drank himself to death from giving up a grand slam to Ryan Raburn. 

This picture has no reason being here!

Anyhow, the Tigers have climbed to 2.5 games out of first place (and 6-2 during the ROD's existence), behind the completely legitimate; utterly undoubtable and beyond reproach (not really) Cleveland We Support Racial Caricatures Baseball Club (henceforth known as the Cleveland Naughty Logos).

Have I told you how much I dislike Hawk? Really, the guy was an unremarkable player, a terrible GM and is a festering, pus filled boil on the anus of baseball announcing. From his stupid little expressions to his over the top homerism, Hawk deserves to be subjected to a fire hose or at least have his mouth taped shut.

I can't draw a hawk so I drew Hawk as a duck!

Just look at that pudwacker! He screams guy who probably goes into alleys looking for smack to take before he gets into autoerotic asphixiation! ...or not. Either way, I can't wait until "he gone" from the announce booth.

Oh! I almost forgot, Don Kelly - NOT DRAWN THIS TIME AROUND WIZARD, had some nice diving stops tonight. Good for you, Wiz!

St. Paul Painted Whores Are Swept Off Their Dainty Feet!

More like Alaskan A-HBP-SIN! Right? Right?

Tonight our heroes, the Detroit Tigers, faced off against their rival, the villainous Painted Whores of St. Paul (or the Twins of Minnesota if you want to get technical).

Miguel Cabrera and Alex Avila combined to deliver the Striped Saviors 4 runs while Rick Porcello's only mistake was a 2 run home run to some guy weighing about 87 pounds who is primed for the Hall of Kind of OK.

The bigger story, besides the absence of anything pertaining to Don Kelly in this update, was the amazing outing by Daniel Schlereth. Danny fancies himself as the Alaska Assassin. The only thing he assassinated was anyone ever taking that nickname seriously. Schlereth faced one batter and hit the guy, on one pitch! That's right: 1 pitch, 1 hit by pitch.

The Alaskan A-HBP-SIN has a line score of 1 pitch, 1 HBP. Schlereth did not even have the decency to make his gaffe dramatic. Boo I say, boo! However, the Tigers did manage to turn turds into gold and win the game 4-2.

Let's get to the super important stuff: awards! For your performance in the excellent field of excrement, I give you, the Alaska A-HBP-SIN the R.O.D, Blue Plate Special!

Yes, it is poop on a baseball on a plate that isn't entirely blue on a checkerboard tablecloth.

Congratulations on being the inaugural ROD BPS award winner! Ryan Raburn is green with envy. He also committed 87 errors as I typed this message and started only 1 more game at second after being named starting second baseman.

The bottom line:
What does this mean? Well, our beloved felines did not gain any ground against the Cleveland Naughty Logos but they did up their current win streak against the Painted Whores to 9 games in a row. Most importantly: the Tigers are now 4-1 since the Ray Oyler Divide went live! You're welcome!