3... er 4 Updates in a Month & The Mariners Come to Detroit

That thing is pretty darn deep!

Loyal R-O-D reader(s) - the next opponent for our beloved Tigers are none other than those swinging Mariners of Seattle. Don't be fooled by the fact Miguel Olivo and Chone Figgins are not good. Also, ignore Brendan Ryan - he's worth about 1.8 Wilsons so he's not that good either. Um...

Lemme think...

Uh...

The Tigers offense is not exactly lighting the world on fire and the Mariners offense is not exactly breathing too well on its own. There are all sorts of numbers one can look at to determine what could be going on but numbers and I, we are not friends. Numbers is my bookie.

The Mariners are still in a rebuilding phase, hoping Justin Smoak, Dustin Ackley and Jesus Montero can be the new Three Amigos while the Tigers are in WIN NOW mode. If I had to give some predictions I would say the Tigers should take 2 out of 3 from the M's (especially if Knock Out Noesi pitches (he is called Knock Out because he always seems to knock out walks, home runs and sucktacular pitching efforts)).

However, the Tigers may lose the series if their bats elect to find everywhere but places where fielders are not stationed. Perhaps home plate will be lonely this entire series, with only a few catchers to chat up and no one coming to visit.

Oh, and while this place is named after a more Tigers-centric phrase meaning "hit under .200" with the way Ryan Raburn tends to hit early in the season I have (since 2011) christened the Ryan Raburn Ravine for those folks who cannot manage to hit a robust .100 - you can thank me later.

Afternoon Delight

The Tigers beat the Dodgers in an afternoon game that maybe 30 people saw. That's 89 more people than the total attendance for the Tampa Bay Rays in the month of June! The Tigers get the old star and trident Mariners' logo for their efforts! Good job (see me after class because you've stunk most of the time).

The M's should go back to this logo.

Split? What Do You Mean Split?

Pirates are just Mariners with more jewelry and scurvy.

With Felix El Rey on the hill, the Tigers had little room for error. At one point, behind a strong performance by Rick Porcello, the Tigers lead 2-0. Then bad things happened. The Mariners hit home runs. One was off Porcello (solo; Olivo), then one off Benoit (2-run; Olivo) and a final one off Wilk (2-run; Smoak).

7-3 is the final score. I blame the schools and an international Soviet conspiracy. I also blame Ryan Raburn just because he's my Tiger punching bag. Bad Raburn, bad! Really, how do you give up two home runs to Miguel Olivo? Did he threaten to beat you guys up after the game if you didn't? It is okay to tell me, you don't have to live in fear any more!

You'd think they'd get stuck on that sharp bottom.

On the bright side: no more games against the Mariners, who are dangerous thanks to their starting pitching. On the downside: no more games against the Mariners since I can see the M's vs. Tigers on ROOT Sports, which does a fine job of baseball broadcasting.

Scabs Aren't Just for Picking Any More!

Let's all go to the lobby, and betray our fellow bats!

Batman didn't comment.

Yesterday the Tiger bats refused to work, except Victor Martinez's big business supporting bat. Today, other bats crossed the picket line, hurting the valiant bats who only wish to organize in order to prevent management from dictating more favorable to management terms.

Just pretend it was 1 instead of 1.5.

A preliminary agreement ended up being reached, though, avoiding long term work stoppage, until the bats want hats (help keep bats warm, muchos gracias). The Mariners felt the rage of the bat parade and the Tigers climbed into a first place tie with the utterly believable Cleveland Naughty Logos.

DON KELLY - RBI WIZARD + DEFENSE!

Don Kelly, BASEBALL PLAYING WIZARD had some good defense tonight and actually hit! Look at the fierce and determined Kelly! His Wizard hat has magical powers that allow him to play baseball at a not Ryan Raburn crappy level sometimes. How long this will last is unknown but enjoy the ride. One last game against the M's left then the Tigers don't have to see King Felix, Prince Pineda, Zombie Bedard, Fister the Fisting Fist ever again this season... unless it is in the playoffs! Tigers win8-1! Tigers are now 10-4 during The R-O-D's glorious existence. You're welcome, Detroit fans; you're welcome.

Horrible News! stop. Bats on Strike! stop. Ryan Raburn "forcing it". stop. Wait, what? stop.

Angry bat takes courageous pro-bat union stance!

Tonight the Tigers bats tried to unionize, after games and games of being abused. Being used to hit balls and generate "offense", the Tiger bats decided that this intolerable behavior must stop... well, every bat except Ryan Raburn's bats. Those things have never touched a ball, ever, because he's "forcing it" - where it is sucking and forcing is always.

Tigers drop a 4th, count it, 4th game during the R-O-D's existence. This is unacceptable! Bad Tigers! BAD!

Ahoy, Matey! Marineros Visit Land!

Justin Verlander shut down the the Seatown Marineros, just in time for me to miss most of the game! Seattle is hovering just above .500 while the Tigers are the hottest team in baseball (for some, in more ways than one).

What's the most important thing about this game? Don Kelly - RBI WIZARD! It is the R-O-D and Don Kelly is our spirit wizard.  I will watch the replay of this game on ROOT Sports - for all your plant based sports needs!

Don Kelly - RBI WIZARD is fierce even if his magic bat shoots pink dust.

The Tigers are 9-3 since The R-O-D came to be; BELIEVE!

It's Not a Schooner.

Yo ho ho! Merry Christmas, mateys!

The Marineros are coming to town bringing some fine pitching and putrid hitting (Wrath of CHONE~!). Let's do this!

K's Can Be Dangerous!

What do you mean someone already took this chant?!

Tonight, at Safeco Field in Seattle, Washington, Felix Hernandez's fan club (The King's Court) began chanting KKK (not really, they were saying strike). If you were listening to Dave Simms, well, then you heard the true KKK chant. Strike! Strike! Strike!